


Holding You Together

by Iron_Heart



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, Gen, MerDer, Season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-21 15:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 34,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/901947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iron_Heart/pseuds/Iron_Heart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MerDer fic set a couple weeks after 8x09, Dark Was the Night. News of Amelia's addiction finally reaches Seattle and Derek, accompanied by Meredith, must travel to LA for his sister. Lots of MerDer and family bonding. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 

“Derek, you need to get up!”

Derek was vaguely aware of Meredith’s voice breaking through his sleepy haze but couldn’t make himself respond.

“Derek! Seriously!” Meredith moaned. “We have to leave for the airport in 45 minutes.”

“What?”

This news seemed to get his attention. 

“I called the airlines, talked to Owen, packed our bags, and now I need you to shower and clothe yourself so we can make this flight.”

She had lost it. There was no other explanation he could think of to explain his wife’s current ranting. 

“What in the world are you talking about? Why are we flying anywhere? It’s 6 in the morning and didn’t you just get off a 36 hour shift?” 

Meredith proceeded to continue to ready herself despite her husband’s protests and hastily ran a brush through her still damp hair. 

“I’ll have time to explain in more detail on the plane but, long story short, Addison called me and-“ 

“What?! Addison called you?” Now he was really awake. 

“Addison called,” she stated more forcefully, sending him a look that warned him against further interruption, “and she said we, well you actually, needed to go to L.A. For Amelia.” Her expression softened as she put down the brush and made her way over to Derek. 

“She’s in rehab,” she stated softly as she lowered herself next to him on the bed.

“Actually,” she amended, “she’s getting out of rehab. Soon. By the end of the week. And she needs you there. She asked Addison to get you on a plane and Addison called me to help make that happen so that’s what we’re gunna do.”

She pushed herself back off the bed and looked down at Derek who was still sitting on the bed, managing to look shocked and stern all at once. His jaw was set firmly and his forehead wrinkled in angry concentration.

“Derek,” she said running a soothing hand through his hair, trying to break him out of his glaring contest with the wall, “I know you’re angry and you’re hurting, but so is your sister. And I know you. As angry as you are now, you’ll be even angrier with yourself if you don’t get on this plane.”

He sighed deeply and ran his hands over his face, banishing any last traces of sleep from his eyes. With a final sigh he looked up at her and said, “What time do we leave?”

“We need to leave in 30 minutes,” Meredith answered gently and leaned down to kiss his still wrinkled forehead. She gave him a small, loving smile before turning to pick up one of two over stuffed suitcases.

“I’ll start bringing stuff down to the car. I packed everything I can think of and took care of anything that could be considered urgent so you just focus on showering quickly and getting dressed. I’ll have coffee waiting when you’re done and then we can go.”

With one final encouraging smile, she left Derek in their bedroom. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Rehab. 

How did he not know his baby sister was in rehab again? There were so many questions he needed answers to but as Meredith pointed out, he was on a schedule and now was not the time.

As he took a minute to stretch, his eyes fell on the light brown crib on the other side of the room. For the past few weeks it had done nothing but serve as a constant reminder of the child they’d lost. However, just a couple short weeks ago they finally got the phone call they had been waiting for.

* * *

 

_“Dr. Shepherd? This is Janet from Social Services. I’m calling to apologize for the mix up the other day. We had some clerical errors regarding the paper work for your adoption hearing. All I received was the notification that the judge canceled the hearing, and as I told your wife, that either means he’s looked at your file and is granting custody or is denying your request for adoption. Considering I only received the cancelation, I informed Dr. Grey that the outcome did not look good. However, this morning I received a notification that some papers happened to get lost in the shuffle of things. In case you can’t see where I’m going with this, the judge reviewed your file and is granting you and Meredith custody of Zola. I tried calling your wife, but the phone goes straight to voicemail. I trust you’ll pass on the good news. Call me back as soon as you can and we can get the ball rolling again. Have a great day.”_

_He listened to the message a third time not quite believing his ears. He gripped the window sill outside Meredith’s hospital room for support as he tried to let Janet’s news sink in._

_He turned to face the window looking into Meredith’s room and smiled at his still sleeping wife._

_Everything was going to be okay._

_Meredith was safe. She had a minor concussion and needed a couple stitches on her forehead but she was okay. They just wanted to keep her for observation to be sure. Last night, he was so relieved to have her alive and in his arms. His previous revelations were not forgotten. He wouldn’t let himself treat her like her had been the last couple months. There was no need for it and she didn’t deserve it._

_“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair the night before. The room was dark and silent save for the low whirring of the machines monitoring Meredith’s vitals. Dr. Bailey had just left the room after informing the couple that Meredith would be spending the night and Derek had promptly climbed into bed to hold his wife._

_“What?” she whispered in return._

_“I’m sorry. For the past few weeks. For the way I’ve been acting. For the way I’ve been treating you. Like everything with Zola was your fault. I love you. I love you so much, Meredith. And I’m so sorry it had to take this for me to realize how easily I could lose you.”_

_She shifted in his arms and turned to face him._

_"And I don’t ever want to lose you,” he continued, “I couldn’t handle that. But it made me realize that I don’t want to keep going like this. Not being able to talk to you about my day, ignoring certain topics, pretending we don’t still walk on egg shells with each other. I’m done. I forgive you. I don’t blame you. I just hope you can forgive me for everything. For pushing you into the adoption and then blaming you when it didn’t work out.”_

_“Derek,” she started, “I don’t blame you for anything. Do you really think if I didn’t want Zola I would have agreed to adopt her? I wanted kids, Derek. I’ve wanted kids with you.”_

_She moved her hand along his cheek and softly brushed his lips with her own._

_“And there’s nothing to forgive.”_

_“Yes there is.”_

_“It's in the past. It’s over now. I like your idea. Forgive, forget, and move on. I can do that if you can,” Meredith offered with a small smile._

_“Yeah,” said Derek with a smile of his own, “yeah, I can do that.”_

_Derek’s thoughts of the previous night were broken when he realized two green eyes were staring back at him. After noticing she had his attention, Meredith greeted him with a sleepy smile. He returned the gesture ten-fold and was still beaming as he rounded the door frame into her room. He couldn’t wait to tell her their baby was finally coming home._

* * *

 

“Derek!” Meredith hollered up the stairs, effectively breaking him out of his memories.

“Yeah?” he yelled in response.

“Not to nag but we really need to leave in, like, 20 minutes and I didn’t hear the shower. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. Just trying to wake up.”

He quickly showered and dressed, allowing his body to run on auto-pilot in order to complete the tasks.

As promised, Meredith was patiently waiting in the kitchen with two full travel mugs and her carry on.

“I grabbed some medical journals, today’s paper, and some trashy tabloid magazines if you feel like reading on the plane. It’s about a three hour flight so I figured they may come in handy,” she informed him as she offered him a mug. “Ready to go?”

He nodded mutely and followed her out to the car. In an unspoken agreement, Meredith was deemed the driver so he hauled his still sleeping body into the passenger seat.

* * *

 

The drive to the airport was silent and uneventful. Meredith focused on the road and left Derek to his thoughts. She knew he’d need time to process and when he wanted to talk, he would. She didn’t notice it until a couple years ago but they dealt with stress in similar ways. Not all the time mind you, but similar enough to know when he needed to be pushed and when to give him time to collect his thoughts.

They made their way through security and check in with minimal conversation with Meredith handling the flight arrangements. Once they were seated and in the air, she pulled out a copy of _People_ and started scanning through celebrity nonsense.

She was halfway through reading “Things Longer than Kim Kardashian’s Marriage”, before Derek finally spoke.

“Is it pills again?”

She raised her head from the magazine and faced her husband. He wasn’t looking at her and was instead opting for staring at the seat in front of him, but talking was good. Talking was progress.

“That’s what Addison said. I guess things got pretty bad. They even held an intervention to get her to go to rehab but she resisted. They were close to getting her to agree to rehab until her fiancé walked in.”

“Fiancé?!” Derek spit out like the word burned his mouth. “She’s engaged?”

“She was.” Meredith placed her hand on his wrist and let the magazine fall to her lap. “The morning after the intervention, she woke up and he was dead. He overdosed or had a reaction to the pills or something. She called Addison and told her she was ready for rehab and she’s clean now.” The hand resting on his started making soothing figures against his skin. “She’s clean, Derek. But she’s hurting. She had Addison call because she wants your help and your forgiveness.”

“Why…” Derek started, “Why did she do this again? She smarter than this…After the last time, I just thought she had actually learned her lesson.”

“People make mistakes, Derek. And she is not doing it anymore. She doesn’t want you there to fix her, she just wants your support. She wants her brother. Her fiancé is dead, Derek,” she paused to let her words sink in. “You may not have met or knew about him, but the man she loved is dead. And instead of turning to drugs, she’s reaching out to her family. It’s a big step in the right direction.”

“I’m supposed to keep her safe,” he whispered. “I’m her big brother. I’m supposed to keep her safe.”

His eyes were pained and glossing over from the tears forming in them when he finally looked Meredith in the eyes.

“Derek…” Meredith sighed sadly as she cupped his cheek in an effort to comfort him.

“I’m her brother,” he said more forcefully. “How could I not know this was happening to her? She‘s just now getting out of rehab? No one thought to call before that?”

He was moving on from being sad to being angry and doing so fairly quickly.

“Do my sisters know? Does our own mother even know?”

They were starting to attract the attention of a few surrounding passengers and a couple gossiping stewardesses.

“Derek, please lower your voice. I don’t know about your sisters, but your mom is already out there. She took the red eye last night and is planning on taking Amelia back to New York with her for a while,” Meredith relayed as she continued to attempt to calm her husband down.

“I told you everything I know. Addison and I really didn’t talk long. As you pointed out, I just got off a 36 hour shift and was on my way out the door when she called me. Then I had to track down Owen to get us the time off and call the airlines to get us on a plane. Then I showered and packed in about 15 minutes flat. To be honest I’m not sure what I put in those suitcases so, ya know, if I accidently packed your old band uniform or something, you know why.”

She smiled when she saw the corners of his mouth twitch at her joke. It was probably the closest thing to a smile she’d get from him all day, but she’d take it.

“How did you know?” Derek questioned, staring at his hands in his lap.

“Hmm?”

“How did you know how to get me on this plane?” he clarified, still not meeting her gaze.

“Because,” she smiled at him even though he wouldn’t face her, “I know what it’s like to have someone you’re mad at need you.”

He finally looked up at her as she continued, “I know how it feels. I was gallivanting around Europe with Sadie when my mom called me to tell me that she had Alzheimer’s and that she needed me to come home because it was getting worse. I didn’t even know anything was wrong in the first place, let alone getting worse. I didn’t actually talk to her but she left messages. And of course, I avoided. Because I didn’t want to deal with it. Because I thought I shouldn’t have to deal with it. Because I was mad that she didn’t bother to tell me sooner,” she paused and looked Derek straight in the eye, “And looking back I wish someone had kicked me out of bed, thrown a suitcase at me, and told me to get my butt on a plane back to Boston.”

She gave him a reassuring half smile as she watched him absorb her words. After a moment he reached out and took her small hand in his and held it between them.

“Thank you for throwing a suitcase at me,” he murmured.

“Anytime,” she stated before leaning over to kiss his lips. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

By the time they landed, Meredith was pleased to see Derek’s mood lift marginally. She obviously didn’t expect him to be back to his usual “McDreamy” self, but he seemed to be starting to accept the situation.

After they acquired their luggage and hailed a cab, Meredith handed the driver a slip of paper with the address to Amelia’s rehab center.

“We’d like to find a hotel as close to this address as possible, please,” she informed the driver.

With a polite nod and a glance at his new destination, he pulled the cab into the morning L.A. traffic.

Derek gazed out the window without really focusing on the scenery racing past. He spent the first few minutes of the trip attempting to gather his thoughts and figure out how to handle the situation. Meredith leaned quietly to his left side with her arm looped through his as she looked tiredly out the opposite window. As he let his mind continue to wander, a sudden thought struck him.

“Zola!”

“What?” Meredith exclaimed as his unexpected outburst jerked her out of her half asleep daydreaming.

“Zola,” he replied in earnest, “We were supposed to meet Janet to start signing papers so she can come home. What are we supposed to do if she calls and wants us to come in?”

“It’s okay. I remembered that this morning too. I called Janet’s office this morning while you were taking your shower and explained we had a family emergency in L.A. and may be out of town for a little while. She has our numbers and I told her she could call anytime if she needed.”

“Oh,” Derek sighed, visibly calmer at this news. “Jeez, Mer, you thought of everything,” he said with a playful nudge with his shoulder.

“I try,” she smiled back with a nudge of her own. 

“How much time did Owen give us?”

“I pretty much told him what I knew and asked how long he could spare us. We each had a lot of time saved up and Dr. Nelson is there to deal with any neuro emergencies. He said we have up to two weeks if we need it but I told him I would call to give him an actual number once we had a better idea of what’s happening.”

“That was nice of him.”

“It was. It also might have helped that I ran into Cristina while I was frantically looking for him. She was behind me but I have a feeling she was silently threatening him against saying no,” she giggled.

He let out a soft chuckle. “Still,” he continued, “It was nice of him. Both of them I guess.”

A companionable silence fell over the back seat before Derek broke it a second time.

“When does Amelia get out?”

“Uhmmm…,” Meredith struggled to even remember what the current date was. She had been at the hospital for the greater part of the last day and a half. Silly things like the current day of the week frequently took a backseat to the hundreds of other things she had to remember while working.

“What is today? Wednesday?”

“No,” he replied with an amused grin, “It’s Thursday now.”

“Oh,” she said slightly surprised, “Well, tomorrow then. Addison said she got out on Friday, so…” she trailed off seeing no need for further explanation.

“So what’s the plan?” he inquired. Meredith met him with a confused stare.

“That’s totally up to you guys. Amelia wants to see you sometime today. I figured we’d check into a hotel for a couple of nights, drop off our bags, maybe find some food cause, I don’t know about you, but I’m starving,” she added sending him a look that said ‘either you feed me or you face my wrath’, “and then we’d go see your sister.”

Sounded like a solid plan to him. He was thankfully waking up and getting a better grasp on what was happening. Earlier it had been impossible for him not to picture his 17 year old sister, high out of her mind, and lying battered and bloody on the floor of the living room during the aftermath of a joyride gone wrong.

_‘This isn’t the same,’_ he kept reminding himself, _‘She got help. She got clean.’_

_‘But for how long?’_ said the nagging voice in the back of his mind.

It was true. After the almost fatal car wreck, she cleaned herself up and, for all he knew, had been clean up until now.

The thought kept nagging him all the way to the hotel. According to the cab driver, the rehab facility was only a 10 minute drive away from the Hilton where he dropped them off. After a must needed breather and a couple over priced breakfast sandwiches, courtesy of room service, they headed back down to the lobby to catch a cab.

* * *

 

Once they were seated and on their way, Meredith passed her phone to Derek.

“You should call Addison. Let her know we’ll be there soon.”

He looked at the phone she was offering him like it was a snake waiting to strike.

“Derek?” she said firmly in an effort to break him from his sudden trance. “Do you want me to do it?”

“No…No, I’ll do it.”

Pressing ‘send’, he raised the phone to his ear and waited.

“Meredith?”

It took him a second before realizing why Addison would be asking for his wife.

“It’s Derek, actually. I’m just using her phone.”

“Oh…Okay. Well, are you guys here yet?”

“Yeah, we’ll be there in less than ten minutes.”

“Okay. I’ll pass the message on to Amelia and Carolyn.”

“Thank you. See you soon.”

“Bye, Derek.”

Within what felt like no time, the cab pulled up to the rehab center.

* * *

 

They walked into the inviting lobby as they both searched for any sign of his sister, mother, or Addison.

It was an inviting room. Calm neutral colors graced the walls and fabrics in the plush chairs and couches in the waiting area. A petite, black haired woman sat behind the large speckled counter, typing away on the computer. Without needing to voice the idea to the other, Derek and Meredith made their way towards the receptionist.

“Derek!” His mother’s voice filled the quiet room as she hurried over to her son and daughter-in-law.

“Derek,” Carolyn sighed in relief as she embraced her only son. “I’m so glad you two are here,” she said, moving on to give Meredith a hug hello as well.

“I was really hoping the next time I got to see you would be over a happier occasion,” she added glumly. She was, of course, alluding to her previous visit while Derek was in the hospital recovering from the shooting.

“We did too, Mom,” Derek replied with a similar expression.

“Where is she?”

“She’s in with a mediator,” came a voice approaching from behind Carolyn.

“Addison,” greeted Derek.

She gave the couple a quick nod in greeting before continuing, “She wants to talk to you. Its part of her finishing steps: apologizing to her family. She thought it may go better with the mediator there. You just have to go check in with the front desk and they’ll take you back. I’ve already said goodbye to her for the day but I’ll be back tomorrow when it’s time for her to check-out.”

Suddenly everything was real. Amelia was just on the other side of a door, ten steps away, and waiting to talk to her brother.

And Derek was terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you're reading and enjoying so I know if I should keep updating! :)  
> thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

She was so little. 

That was Derek’s first thought upon entering the mediation room. More “calming” colors greeted him but in a green, earthy pallet this time. The walls were a deep green with dark brown trim to match the very large bookshelf placed behind a man Derek had never met but assumed was the mediator Addison had mentioned.

Amelia sat curled up in an overstuffed chair to the mediator’s left. She was dressed in sweats and she looked like she had lost weight she couldn’t afford to lose.

He didn’t know the woman in front of him. Except her eyes. Her eyes were the only thing he still recognized as Amelia. The same deep blue, expressive eyes that they had both received from their late father. But right now they just looked empty. Where did his loud, fearless sister go?

“You must be Derek?” questioned the man Derek had barely noticed a moment ago.

 “I’m Dr. Taylor,” he said as he rose from his chair and offered Derek his hand in greeting.

“Hello,” Derek responded. He took Dr. Taylor’s offered hand but couldn’t take his eyes off Amelia.

“Why don’t you take a seat and we’ll get started.” He motioned to c couple empty chairs as Derek’s seating options and took his own seat again.

“So, Amy,” Derek started as after lowering himself into the cushions. “Care to explain why my wife was throwing a suitcase and a plane ticket at me at 6 am this morning?” He could stop the bitterness from seeping into his words. He promised himself before he walked in the room to hear her out before making any snap judgments. A promise he had apparently already forgotten.

“Derek, please,” Amelia said in a monotone Derek didn’t recognize.

Dr. Taylor took it upon himself to interject, “I think it would be best if we let Amelia explain why you’re here, okay?”

Amelia was staring intently at her folded hands that lay in her lap.

“I asked you and mom to be here to apologize and because I need help.”

She finally raised her head again.

“I know we made some sort of amends during my last visit to Seattle and I know that’s all gone to crap now, but I’m trying here, Derek.”

Some emotion was starting to return to her face, but if anything it made it made it harder for Derek to look at her. His baby sister was supposed to feel pain. She shouldn’t know the kind of hurt that was current shinning behind her eyes even existed.

“I know what you’re going to say. I know I should have known better after last time. I know I should have been thinking about what all this would do to mom. But you don’t know what I’ve been through these last few months. Two people that I loved have died. And both of their deaths have been my fault.”

The tears were now flowing freely down her pale face, but she made no move to dry them.

“I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m done with detox but that doesn’t mean I still don’t want the pills. I want them every second of every day. Because being high is so much better than the pain. My fiancé is dead, Derek. Because I wanted one last hurrah before quitting the Oxycotin. The man I love is gone because of me. How would you feel if it was Meredith?”

“No!” Derek shouted abruptly, “You do not get to compare my wife to your fling who fed your drug habit! The people who love you don’t feed addictive, clearly fatal and destructive tendencies.”

“It wasn’t Ryan’s fault! It was my idea in the first place! I’m trying to talk to you, Derek, but don’t you dare belittle the love we had just because it doesn’t live up to you and your _perfect_ standards,” she spit out viciously.

“This isn’t about me, Amelia! This is about you and the fact that you seem to have no sense of self preservation! The last time you used, you died for 3 minutes. For three fucking minutes my sister was dead. So don’t _you_ dare try to tell me I don’t know what that feels like.”

“Okay,” Dr. Taylor finally interjected. “I think this is a good area to take a break. This is a hard thing for families to deal with and it would be best for everyone to just take a breather. We’ll take a quick break? Maybe an hour for lunch? Then we can resume once we’ve all had a chance to calm down.”

“Fine,” Derek said curtly before jumping out of his chair and whipping the door closed behind him.

* * *

 

Meredith anxiously tapped her foot against the cool marble tiles. Addison had left and Derek had just disappeared behind the door that Amelia was supposed to be on the other side of.

“Coffee, dear?”

Carolyn’s kind voice broke through her anxious thoughts of how Derek was doing. She had risen from her once seated position next to Meredith and was now looking down at her questioningly.

“Uhhh…No. No, thank you,” she stumbled through her response.

“Are you sure?” Carolyn asked with obvious concern. “You look dead on your feet.”

Meredith was able to offer her mother-in-law a reassuring smile before declining her offer once more.

“If you’re sure, dear. I’m going to go get a refill.”

She came back a minute later with a full cup of steaming coffee and promptly resumed her spot next to Meredith.

“So, Meredith,” Carolyn turned in her seat to face Meredith. “How is everything coming along with getting me my 15th grandbaby?”

“It’s going well now actually,” she responded with her first real smile of the day. “We actually have plans of signing the final paperwork sometime this week. We may have to move it though. I wasn’t sure what Derek would want to do once we got here,” her smile fading slightly at the acknowledgment of their situation.

“Oh no! You’re missing your appointment?”

“No, not yet. Janet, our social worker, gave us a tentative time frame for when the paper work would be ready and promised to call when it was. We were expecting her call this week. But I called her office before we left and explained the situation. We’ll work something out,” she stated with confidence. “Derek needed to be here.”

Carolyn nodded in what could have either been agreement or understanding. Meredith didn’t know.

“I’m so sorry,” Meredith whispered. “I can’t imagine having your child go through this,” attempting (and failing in her opinion) to console the older woman next to her.

“It’s alright,” Carolyn responded without hesitation. She clasped Meredith’s hand within her own, accepting the comfort Meredith was offering. “This family is strong. We’ve been through a lot and a lot of horrible things have happened. But we’ll survive this just as we’ve survived everything else.”

She squeezed Meredith’s hand and slightly indicated to the door concealing Derek and Amelia, “This is what family is for. We stand by each other no matter what.”

Carolyn Shepherd was everything Meredith wanted to be as a mother. Yes, her mother had been a strong woman in some aspects. But she let the horrible things in her past break her as well, and let affect her ability to be what Meredith needed her to be as a mother. Carolyn, on the other hand, lost the love of her life far too soon but stayed strong and raised 5 wonderful children on her own. She knew Derek loved and respected his mother beyond words. She could only hope that her own children looked up her that way some day.

The two women fell into a comfortable silence, hands still tightly grasped together, but lost in their own thoughts.

Meredith couldn’t help but think that, even at its worst, being a part a family; being a part of this family, was pretty damn good.


	5. Chapter 5

The slamming door echoed loudly throughout the once quiet lobby.

Meredith was on her feet in seconds, racing towards her obviously distraught husband.

"Derek?"

The pain was clearly evident in her tone. She hated seeing him like this. She hated when he hurt.

"Derek, what happened?" she questioned more urgently. He was pacing in the middle of the lobby, angrily pulling his hands through his hair.

"She…I can't…I just…"

He collapsed dejectedly in the nearest chair, cradling his head in his hands. Meredith took her queue to let him gather his thoughts before throwing him anymore questions. Instead, she occupied the chair next to his and started running her hand across his shoulder blades in a soothing manner.

From a short distance away, Carolyn maintained her seat as she watched her son, a frown etched in her features. She had had higher hopes for the meeting, but it obviously didn't go exactly as planned. She shook her head and sighed deeply. Derek always had been too stubborn for his own good.

She allowed the couple some privacy and Meredith a chance to bring Derek back down before going over there herself and demanding details.

"I can't even look at her," he finally whispered so quietly Meredith almost missed it. "I can't look at her. I can't talk to her. I lose all rational thought. I don't know this person. She's not even Amelia anymore."

He clasped his fists together and leaned his forehead against them to support his head.

"Derek," she said with enough force to let him know she really meant for him to listen. "She's not the same person. Not right now. We went over this; her fiancé, the man she loved, is dead. It's the scariest thought in the entire world. For a good two minutes, I was 100% sure I had just watched you die in front of me on an operating table. Two minutes may not sound like a lot but when all you can hear is the sound of yourself sobbing and a flatline where your husband's heartbeat should be, it's a freaking eternity. That pain is more than enough to break a person. It's crushing."

Thinking about that day, about all she'd lost and almost lost, still brought tears to her eyes. She felt them start to prick the back of her eyes as she willed them not to spill over onto her cheeks. She wasn't allowed to do this today. Derek needed her to be strong.

"Honestly, Derek, you expecting anything more from her than to just be breathing is cruel. And on top of all this she's trying to stay clean off extremely addictive pain pills? It's a miracle, Derek, a freaking miracle she didn't just down a whole bottle just to try to make the pain stop. Because, quite honestly, when the love of your life dies, it sounds pretty freaking tempting. And this is coming from someone who's  _not_  addicted to Oxycotin."

Derek lifted his head slowly, moving like it weighed far more than it should. Tears glazed over his eyes and the look on his face broke Meredith's heart.

"She's breathing, Derek. She's right here. That's all we can ask for at this point."

She moved her hand from his back to his stubbled cheek as she wiped away a few stray tears sliding down his face.

"I was mean. I was so mean to her."

"That's what you do," Meredith slightly shrugged.

A look of confusion and offence flitted across his face.

"What? You're angry. You get mean when you're angry. And you know exactly what to say in order to hurt whoever you're mad at." She said this as if it was the most obvious statement in the world. When his expression didn't change she continued, "Have you really not made that connection yet?"

She paused for a moment and, after realizing he wasn't going to see it on his own, proceeded to list off his past transgressions.

"You practically called me a whore when you  _assumed_ I was sleeping with Finn because you were jealous and angry when you had no right to be," she counted on one finger.

"You told me you never wanted to see or work with me again after our 12th patient died in the clinical trial," she listed on the next finger.

"You called me a lemon and said various other hurtful things after Jen died and proceeded to hit my engagement ring into the woods with a bat." She added a third finger to her hand.

"You basically told me I was going to be a horrible mother because you were mad at me about the trial. Not to mention the months following tha-"

"Okay, I get it!" Derek interrupted. The last thing he wanted to do was relive all the horrible things he had said and done to her in the past.

"I'm not trying to reopen anything. I'm just saying, this is what you do. And I get it, so when it happens I try not to take it personally, but I'm not the only one you react that way to. You need to go back in there and fix it with Amelia."

Derek sighed again and rubbed his eyes before nodding his head. Meredith relaxed a little after seeing that her words were having the desired effect.

"When'd you get so good at this?" he lightly teased.

She smiled while running her fingers through his disheveled hair. "I had a good teacher. And provided a lot of good opportunities for him to teach me over the past few years," she answered.

"Well that's true," he played along confidently, seeming lighter by the second. "I'm an excellent teacher."

"I love you," Meredith stated with proof of her words shining in her eyes. "You know that, right?"

"I know," he replied softly. "I love you too."

He kissed her on the cheek and then once more on the lips before rising to his feet.

Derek didn't hesitate before pulling the door to the mediation room back open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone reading this?


	6. Chapter 6

"Derek?" Dr. Taylor didn't hide his surprise well. "We weren't expecting you for at least another 40 minutes."

"I know. I just wanted to finish this now if that's okay."

He took the same chair he had occupied minutes earlier.

Dr. Taylor looked to Amelia, who still had a look of surprise plastered on her face, for her thoughts. At her slight nod, Dr. Taylor indicated for Derek to begin.

"I'd…uhmm…like to, uhhhh…apologize. For my reaction earlier." He leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees.

"I told myself I wouldn't snap at you and I obviously failed. But I'm going to try here. Because you're my sister and no matter what, I love you. It's why I act this way. I can't stand to see you hurting. And it frustrates me that if you hadn't put yourself in certain positions, you wouldn't be in this pain. I can't promise we're not going to butt heads, but I'm going to try to be here for you however you need."

Tears were visibly forming on Amelia's eyes as she listened to her brother. A broken sob erupted from her throat as she got up to move to Derek.

Seeing her actions, Derek immediately rose to gather her weeping form in his arms. She felt as small as she looked and the thought made a knot form in his chest. He tried to speak but, for once in his life, he was at a loss for what to say. Thankfully it didn't seem to matter to Amelia, who seemed more than content to stay wrapped in Derek's arms as he rocked her slowly.

Her sobs eventually turned into soft sniffles but she made no move to leave his embrace.

But for the first time since he woke up this morning, Derek actually believed that everything would be okay.

* * *

By the time Derek emerged from the mediation room a second time, Meredith was back in her previous seat next Carolyn. The two women were busy cooing and awing over the pictures of Zola that Meredith had on her phone. Derek strode over to them and collapsed exhaustedly in the chair beside his wife.

At the sound of Derek's entrance Carolyn returned the phone to Meredith and they looked expectantly to the man running is hands over his face.

"Derek, say something!"

Derek smiled behind his hands. His wife's impatience was nothing if not amusing.

"She cried, I listened. Not much to tell."

He looked drained. His eyes held a weary sheen and his hair was more disheveled than he probably realized. Meredith decided it'd best to wait until he had a chance to process the day's events himself before pushing for more information.

Carolyn had other plans.

"That is not what she meant, young man, and you know it. You can't come storming out like a crazed man halfway through talking to your sister and not expect there to be questions."

"I'm telling you, there's not much to tell. I went back in, apologized for reacting the way I did, and told her I was here for her. She cried, I hugged her, and we both left."

Both of the women to his right were giving him skeptical looks but kept quiet.

"So what happens now? Before I left she told me to ask you," Derek leaned over to question his mother.

"I'm taking her back home with me for awhile. According to Addison, she'll still have a job waiting for her in LA when's she's ready, but she needs to get better first. Medically she's clean but emotionally, she's nowhere near ready to go back to practicing medicine."

Derek nodded his head slowly, clearly running some ideas of his own through his head.

"Your mom and were talking earlier when you went back in," Meredith started tentatively. "And we thought that if you wanted, we could go to New York with them for awhile. We have the time off and this would give you more of a chance to be with Amelia."

"And you can see the rest of your sisters a couple days before you'd have to leave," his mother interjected. "Amelia told me that she wanted a few days before 'the troops swarmed' as she put it."

"If you want, Derek, we could go," Meredith offered with her head cocked, searching his face for any sign of what he was thinking.

"Why don't you two go back to your hotel and talk about it," Carolyn suggested, getting to her feet. "Despite her best efforts to fool me otherwise, your wife is exhausted and you don't look any better. Take a cab back to your hotel, get some lunch, get some sleep, and you can decide what you want to do later tonight. Our plane doesn't leave until noon tomorrow so you may even be able to wait until tomorrow morning to decide on anything."

Derek rose to his feet and looked down at Meredith. She offered him a small smile and grasped his that offered hand that helped her to her feet as well. She didn't relinquish his hand from hers but instead kept it tightly held between her own.

"Sounds good to me," he said with his eyes still on Meredith.

"Good," Carolyn replied.

"What are your plans for the rest of the day?" Meredith questioned.

"I'm going to go have lunch with my daughter and sit with her for a bit. Then I'll probably just go back to my hotel and relax."

"Would you like to meet for dinner, Mom?" Derek asked as he was hugging his mother goodbye.

"That sounds lovely, Derek, but only if you two are up for it," she said with a final nurturing squeeze to his shoulders.

* * *

Back at the hotel room, the couple immediately collapsed into the plush king-sized bed that took up the majority of the room. Neither said anything for a few minutes as their bodies slowly started to release some of the tension brought on by the day's events.

"We should steal this bed," came a muffled voice beside Derek. He shifted the arm covering his eyes so he could incline his head towards her voice. He chuckled at the sight of Meredith face down in one of the many pillows gracing the bed, her hair fanned out in all directions.

"I'm serious. You think I'm kidding but this bed might be the greatest thing I've ever encountered. I love this bed. This bed is the love of my life."

"You love the bed?" He raised himself up on his elbows. "You love this bed more than me?" he joked, rolling over to her and pulling her into his arms.

"Yes," she mumbled with her eyes still closed as she shifted her head from the pillow to the crook o his neck.

"Oh really?" he continued, still highly amused by his tired wife.

"Can the bed do this?" He tilted his head to press a gentle kiss to her lips. "Or this?" he whispered before capturing her lips with a little more force. "How bout this?" he questioned softly as he rolled them both until he was hovering over her and kissing her soundly.

"Hmmm…No, I guess it can't," Meredith replied with a wicked grin. "I suppose I'll just have to keep you then," she teased.

"Well that's good," he said with a smile reserved only for her.

He kissed her one more time before rolling back over and pulling her against his chest. As he closed his eyes and waited for sleep he lovingly ran a hand along her back.

"Just in case I haven't said it yet," he whispered into the darkness, "thank you for everything, Mer. I couldn't have gone through today without you."

"You're welcome, Derek." Her voice hinted that she was already half asleep and probably wouldn't remember this conversation once she woke again.

'That's alright,' thought Derek. 'I don't mind telling her again and again.'


	7. Chapter 7

Later that evening, Derek started slowly regaining consciousness from their much needed nap. He let himself rest there for a moment longer as everything that had taken place that day came rushing back.

As he lay there, the feeling that he was being watched started creeping over him.

His suspicions were confirmed as he sleepily opened his eyes and saw his wife staring back at him. She mirrored his position and was propped up on her side facing the inside of their rather large hotel bed.

"You watching me sleep now? Isn't that my job?" he groaned tiredly.

"I don't remember you having a monopoly on watching your spouse as they slept," she responded with a sly smile.

"You do realize not too long ago, you chastised me for the same thing on the grounds that it was creepy."

"Not when I do it," she replied easily. "When I do it it's endearing."

"I see," he said with mock understanding.

"I started watching you sleep after you were shot," she confessed, vulnerability suddenly taking over her features.

If he wasn't awake before, her confession sure did the trick. All he could do was stare back into pained green eyes.

"Watching you breathe," she continued. "It's comforting."

"I know the feeling," he whispered back. Her eyes flashed with pain again.

"I used to do the same thing. After you drown. I would watch your chest rise and fall and feel you breathe in my arms. For the longest time it was hard to get the haunting image of you, cold and blue, out of mind. But watching you helped."

She just nodded.

"I used to have nightmares. After the shooting." She paused to clear the lump currently forming out of her throat. "I never got to you in time. There was always too much blood and my hands were too small to stop it all. So yeah…that's why I watch you now."

They shared a brief silence in which they both just stared at the other, reveling in the fact that they were alive.

"I'm sorry I almost died," Meredith whispered.

"Me too," he whispered back.

A small smile broke through her saddened face. "Call it even?"

Unexpected laughter burst through him. Despite the previous conversation, she could always manage to make him smile.

"Deal," he agreed and maneuvered closer to Meredith give her a small reassuring kiss.

* * *

The next morning found Meredith and Derek back in the waiting room of the rehab center for Amelia's last day. Addison and Carolyn were in her room saying goodbye and helping her pack, respectively.

"You sure you don't mind going?" Derek asked for about the 9th time (Meredith was counting) that morning.

She rolled her eyes before answering, "I'm going to say this one more time: No! I'm more than willing to spend the week at your mom's. Amelia wants your help and I like your mother. Plus, it'll be nice to get some motherly pointers for when Zola comes home."

The mention of her daughter never failed to make her beam with joy.

"That's true. I mean, she raised me after all," he said feigning arrogance.

"Yes, but we shouldn't fault her for that. She did the best she could with what she had to work with," she replied without missing a beat.

"You wound me, Mer."

"I think you'll survive," she replied without even looking up from the magazine she was scanning.

He shook his head and chuckled as he sat back in his seat to wait for his sister to appear.

He looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking again. "Do you think we should tell them?" he asked in a semi-hushed tone.

Meredith looked up from her magazine to meet his questioning gaze.

"It's not time yet," she replied with slight worry wavering in her voice.

"It's so close though. And by the end of the week it will be," he insisted. "I know you're worried, and so am I, but everything has been fine and your doctor is really encouraging."

"I don't know, Derek," she said with more force than she meant to. She hadn't used anything but a comforting tone with him since yesterday so this took him by a slight surprise.

"Meredith," he continued, reaching for her hand. "The baby's been fine. It's okay to get excited. It's okay to want this." He cocked his head in an attempt to get her to meet her eyes with his. "We're having a baby, Mer."

His voice was soft and gentle like it always was when he was trying to talk her down from a freak out.

"It's okay to be happy," he concluded, running a gentle hand along her jaw.

Before she could respond, the three aforementioned women rounded the corner into the lobby. At their arrival, the couple stood to greet them.

"All set?" Derek questioned, taking in his sister's appearance for the first time that day. She was dressed simply in jeans and a solid green sweater. Her hair was neat and she looked like she had actually managed to get some sleep the night before. She was still very fragile looking and pale but at least he could recognize this woman as his sister a little bit better. It wasn't progress per se, but it was enough to give him hope.

"Were you two able to get on to our flight?" asked Carolyn.

"Yeah, thankfully the flight wasn't full," answered Meredith. ' _And the airlines are willing to get anyone on their flights for a small fortune,'_ she thought.

"Wonderful!" the older woman beamed. "We have a couple cars waiting out front and Amelia is all ready to go."

Addison stepped forward to give her friend one final hug along with words of encouragement and a promise to stay in touch before turning to walk to her car.

* * *

The ride to the airport was mostly made in silence with the exception of the odd comment about the weather or how they slept the previous night.

Once on the plane, the foursome we forced to finally part ways for the nine hour flight due to their seating assignments.

Meredith went back to scanning her magazine from this morning and Derek leaned back to relax, lost in his own head. After an hour of amiable silence, Meredith finally spoke.

"I'll think about it," she said quietly. Derek took this as his queue to sit up and listen patiently.

"You know I'm worried and maybe I'm being overly cautious but I don't think I could handle having to tell everyone that it's not going to happen on top of losing a baby for the second time." She paused to fight off the tears that were threatening to form.

"But you're right. I'm almost past the first trimester where they say it's safe to start telling people and it would be nice to tell your mom in person." She smiled at the thought. She knew it'd mean a lot to Derek since they didn't get the chance to do so with Zola.

"But let me get used to the idea, okay?" The worried expression returned to her face. "I am trying, Derek. I want to be happy about this. I just don't want to hurt like that again."

"I know you are," he said, pulling her close enough to give her a quick kiss and tuck her securely in his arms.

"We'll be okay, Mer. We'll all be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone reading this?  
> leave a comment or a kudos to let me know?


	8. Chapter 8

After one very long plane ride and one seemingly equal, long car ride, the four very tired travelers piled out of the car Derek rented and into the home of Carolyn Shepherd.

It was somewhere around one in the morning by the time they shuffled into the beautiful two story house. It was the same home Carolyn purchased with her late husband and raised her five children in. Her children still kept their own rooms for when they came to visit and the basement was always a favorite camp out area for the grandkids.

Derek guided an exhausted Meredith up the stairs and toward his room, bidding a quiet good night to his mother and sister as they went about readying themselves for bed as well.

Meredith wasted no time in locating the queen sized bed in the middle of the room and quickly claimed her usual side.

"Mer, don't you want to change into something more comfortable?" Derek asked, setting their suitcases in the corner.

"Noh I wandgtt toh sleeumpf," came her muffle response as she burrowed deeper into the bed.

Accepting the fact that he was never going to get her up again until morning, Derek continued unpacking a few things and getting himself set for bed. Both he and Meredith managed to sleep for most of the flight, but it seemed Meredith's body was still trying to catch up on sleep lost due to long work hours and, on top of that, adjusting to having to support the baby now growing inside her.

After brushing his teeth and changing into a pair of pajama pants, he finally joined his wife in bed. The tiredness he had been feeling seemed to have disappeared while he was moving about before and he somehow felt wide awake.

After 45 minutes of staring at the ceiling he finally decided to give up on sleep for a bit and quietly crept downstairs for a glass of water.

As he rounded the corner into the kitchen, he jumped back and his hand flew to his chest in surprise when he realized the room was already occupied.

His mother sat quietly in the dimly lit kitchen. The small light above the sink behind her provided the only light illuminating a small portion of the room. She was stirring her spoon in whatever was steaming in the mug in front of her at the island located in the center of the kitchen.

"Derek," Carolyn greeted softly. "I hope I didn't wake you. I remember how lightly you sleep."

"No, no, I was already up," he said as he pulled himself up on a stool across from her at the island.

"Is something bothering you?" Carolyn asked as she started fixing her son his own mug of tea.

Derek accepted the cup before answering, "No, I'm fine." He grimaced as the words left his mouth. Now he was sounding like Meredith.

"Derek," Carolyn said with a raised eyebrow and a warning tone.

"I am," he insisted defensively. "It's Amelia's who's not fine. Me? I'm fine."

"Okay," she trailed off unconvinced. She knew when to push her son and now was not the time. After all she had all week to get him to deal with his own feelings.

"How's Meredith?" she asked, changing the subject to a safer topic. "She's sleeping okay?"

"Out like a light," he confessed with a small smile. "She's exhausted."

"Traveling takes a lot out of you, not to mention the stress she's been under," she said, taking a slow sip of her drink.

"Well, you know, as you say, you raised five doctors. Residency is tough." His mother's tone made him a little suspicious.

"That's true, but I was talking about Zola. I hear it hasn't been easy on the two of you."

"No," he confirmed, gripping the mug in front of him tightly. "We thought everything was going well but then they took her away from us. We thought we lost her for good."

"I remember," Carolyn nodded knowingly.

"How?" Now he knew he was missing something. "I never called you about that. Did Mark say something? Did he call you?"

"No. Your wife called me."

"Meredith?" he asked incredulously. "Meredith calls you?" This was obviously news to him. "Since when?"

"Since the shooting."

They were silent for a moment. This was still a potentially touchy subject for the both of them.

"You probably don't remember," she continued. "You were sleeping for the majority of the time I was there. You woke up a few times but you were still really out of it. I didn't stay for too long. Just long enough to be sure you were really going to be okay and to make sure Meredith wouldn't forget to take care of herself. I gave her my number and told her to call me with updates about you and to call if she ever needed anything. So she did. She never told you?"

"No…" This was beyond confusing, especially at two in the morning.

"It's all right. Besides weekly updates in the beginning of your recovery, she didn't really start calling for herself until Zola's first night home." She paused to send a slight glare over her mug. "And from what I've heard, you weren't really around for her to tell you at that point."

"What? She called you to tell on me when we had a fight?" He knew Meredith had called at least 12 times that night, but when the ringing had finally stopped he would have never guessed it was because she was calling his mother.

"She was not telling on you, Derek," she said firmly. "The poor girl was scared out of her mind because all of a sudden she was a new mom and her husband had just told her she was going to be a horrible mother and was nowhere to be found."

"I did not say that." This was just about the last thing he expected to be talking about with his mother tonight. "And if I had known she was calling about Zola, I would have picked up."

"You wife was calling you, you should have pick up anyway."

"We were fighting! Did she tell you? About how she tampered with the clinical trial and almost ruined both of our careers?"

"Yes, actually, she did. I got a frantic call around midnight and she told me everything. Probably painted you in a better light than you deserved at the time actually so don't go getting mad at her thinking she was trying blame everything on you. She didn't change the drugs to hurt you; she did it to help Adele."

Derek forcefully rubbed his eyes in frustration. He was supposed to be putting this behind him, not reliving it at 2am on minimal sleep.

"Oh, Derek, don't pout," Carolyn scolded with a hand on her hip. "Any new mother is terrified of doing something wrong, and from what you've told me, she has more than enough reasons to be apprehensive. I was scared out of my mind when we brought Kathleen home. The difference was my husband was right there helping and didn't just get finished telling me that all my fears were correct and I was going to fail."

"I was angry. I had no way of knowing Zola would be going home with her that night."

"What did I tell you when during my first visit? Meredith doesn't see things in black and white like you do. This is one of those things."

"I know," he conceded. "I know why she did it. She cares. She cares about everyone and gives everything she has to help people. It's one of the things I love about her," he explained with a slight shrug and smile. "I let my anger take over and we had a frustrating, horrible couple of weeks. But now we've talked and we're moving past it."

"You better be," Carolyn reprimanded with her stern gaze still in place. "I raised you better than that. And she'll be a great mom. She was scared but she has good instincts. All I really had to do was confirm that what she was doing wasn't going to break Zola."

"She is a great mom," he said with a dreamy smile plastered on his tired face. "She's perfect. Zola absolutely adores her."

He was getting more animated by second and couldn't help but gush over his two favorite girls.

"She loves Meredith's hair," he chuckled with a huge, amused grin. "She…she does this thing when Mer holds her. Whenever she's got her hair down, Zola immediately grabs for a strand of it. Not to pull on it or anything, she just holds it. Like her security blanket or something. We thought that maybe she just liked long hair, but she won't do it with anyone else and she's been doing it since the first time Meredith ever held her. I've got the cutest picture of the two of them on my phone that I'll have to show you later. Zola's sleeping with her head against Mer's shoulder and her hand wrapped around her hair, clutching it to her cheek."

He shook his head at himself. For years he had been listening to his sisters tell similar stories about their own children. He loved every one of his nieces and nephews, but how many times does someone want to listen to how cute it was when a baby played with their toes?

But now he got it. Everything your child did was sure to be the cutest thing in the world and, as a parent, you don't see how anyone could disagree with you. Thankfully his first parental gushing had been to his mother and not someone like Mark. At least with her they could forgo the hour of teasing he would have to endure with Mark.

Carolyn's scowl softened and she was now smiling proudly at her son.

"Well aren't you a proud papa," she observed with a grin. "And yes, you'll have to show me this picture in the morning. I'm surprised I didn't see it from Meredith the other day."

"This one I got from Meredith's friend, Cristina. It was taken before…uhm…well, before we…"

"While you were passive aggressively avoiding your wife?" Carolyn offered while taking a nonchalant sip of her tea.

"That's one way to put it," Derek mumbled regrettably.

"I'm sorry, you're right. You and Meredith worked it out and moved on. Just don't pull that again. She's it for you Derek. Don't screw it up."

"I know she is," he agreed sincerely. "We're good now. Great, actually."

"Good."

She moved from her stool to the sink and placed her mug in the basin.

"I'm going to sleep now, Dear. I'll see you in the morning," she promised. He moved towards her and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Good night, Mom," he called softly after her.

He only sat on his own for a moment longer before placing his own mug in the sink next to Carolyn's and climbing the stairs once more to join his wife.


	9. Chapter 9

Meredith's eyes snapped open as a wave of nausea washed over her. She forced her eyes shut again and fought off the awful sensation.

It had been like this for the past week. Luckily (in her opinion), her morning sickness consisted of mostly just nausea and only actual bouts of vomiting on rare occasions or when she ate something her stomach didn't agree with.

Not being able to tell if her late night dinner was about to make a reappearance, she extracted herself from Derek's arms and quickly made her way to the bathroom across the hall.

After sitting on the edge of the tub for a good 10 minutes, she was fairly certain this particular wave of nausea was going to stay just that. She splashed her face with cool water and freshened up before deciding to pad down the stairs. Maybe Carolyn has some ginger ale or something to calm her rolling stomach.

Early morning sun streamed into the inviting kitchen. The clock on the stove informed her it was about 7 in the morning. Not even born and already this kid was cutting into her sleep.

She spotted a couple bottles of soda sitting next to the fridge and eagerly poured herself a small glass to sip on. As she leaned casually against the counter she took the time to properly examine her surroundings. Due to her exhaustion and the late hour she really didn't get a good look at the house before she turned in.

The kitchen was about the size of the one they had sat her mother's house with its own island in middle to provide extra counter space or a small eating area depending on the need. The walls held a soft yellow color that really brightened the room. Small knick-knacks and crayon colored drawings were scattered about the window sills and hung on the refrigerator doors. Courtesy of Carolyn's 14 grandchildren, she was sure.

She continued to sip her ginger ale as she crossed over the threshold and into the living room. The far wall directly in front of Meredith was made entirely out of some beautiful stone Meredith couldn't identify to save herself. A large fireplace sat directly in the center with a long mantle stretching along above it. Four framed pictures graced the mantle and Meredith moved closer to investigate.

The center frame held what Meredith assumed to be Carolyn and Derek's father on their wedding day. They were both posing at the altar of a church, dressed in the traditional white dress and tux.

An involuntary smile crept across her face. Although she never met the man, there was no denying the man in the photograph was Derek's father. The bright blue eyes, dazzling smile, and think black curls were more than enough to give it away.

She moved on from the center photo to the ones resting off to its left and right. They were also wedding photos containing the smiling brides and grooms. The two to the left were of two women she had never seen before but assumed were Derek's two oldest sisters and their husbands. She recognized the bride in the photo to the right to be Nancy and the man who must now be her husband.

There was a small clock and few small figurines but something about the symmetry of the items on the mantle felt off somehow.

All at once she realized that, once upon a time, another wedding photo used to sit along the mantle next to Nancy's. The thought of seeing Derek and Addison's wedding photo made her chest tighten unexplainably. It really shouldn't bother her. They themselves had been together for years now and there was no reason for jealousy. But the thought of Derek with anyone but herself made her physically ill.

Instead of staring at the empty space any longer she moved on to the wall directly to her right. It was entirely covered with family photos, school photos, and smiling toothless babies. She had obviously found the grandkid wall.

While gazing at the array of pictures and silently wondering what their own baby would look like, two strong arms snaked their way around her abdomen. A soft kiss was placed on her shoulder before Derek chose that spot to rest his chin.

"Morning," Meredith whispered in greeting. She placed her own arms on the ones holding her and leaned back into her husband.

"Good morning," Derek responded with another kiss against her temple. "I missed you when I woke up."

"I didn't have much of a say about having to leave," she groaned, closing her eyes again.

He spied the half empty glass in her hand and asked, "Morning sickness again? You could have woken me up."

"It's just some nausea right now. If it gets more exciting than that, you'll be the first to know. You know how sexy vomiting is. Wouldn't want you to miss a second of that," she added sarcastically.

"Oh yeah," he agreed, chuckling. "You make morning sickness so sexy. Don't know how you do it, Mer."

"Shut-up," she demanded, slapping at his arm and stepping out of his embrace to face him. "You try constantly feeling like you're going to puke and see how attractive you feel."

"Meredith," he soothed. "I'm kidding with you. I know this part isn't fun. But you are attractive. You're beautiful. You're always beautiful to me." He reached out for her again and, when she didn't pull away, hugged her against his chest.

"Even if I'm vomiting?" she mumbled into his neck.

"Especially then," he teased.

"Jerk."

"You love me anyway."

"You keep telling yourself that," she muttered with a good natured scowl.

He kissed her forehead and her scowl softened into a small grin.

"What have you been up to down here?"

"Just looking around. Your mom has a lot of pictures," Meredith observed, indicating to the wall behind her.

"We have a lot of family," Derek reasoned with a laugh.

"So," Meredith started as she turned to face the wall she had been admiring earlier. "Have more Shepherd's been added to the mix since you last updated me or are there still just 9 nieces and 5 nephews?"

"Still just the 14. Although they're not technically Shepherd's. My sisters all took their husbands' last names."

"Oh…Well, I guess it's a good thing Zola and I are becoming Shepherds then," she grinned. "Gotta carry on the name somehow."

Derek's smile rivaled her own as he lit up at the thought.

"And you don't know how happy I am that I get to do so with you."

Derek's happiness was infectious. As he scooped her up once again to properly kiss her, she thought back to the night last week when the decision came about.

* * *

_It was one of those quiet evenings together. A rare night off spent relaxing in bed with a book or medical journal in comfortable silence, content to just be in the other's company._

_For the past 20 minutes, Meredith stared at the pages of her book without really reading them. She had taken a moment to shift her sitting position in an effort to be more comfortable and as her gaze lifted from her book, they momentarily settled on her daughter's crib. Involuntarily, a smile spread across her face as she settled back down and returned to her book._

'Soon _,' she thought. '_ She'll be home soon _.'_

_However her attention did not return to the story in front of her, but drifted and jumped to different future related topics._

_This staring contest with her novel did not go unnoticed by her husband as he had glanced up at his daydreaming wife a minute ago and was now gazing at her questioningly._

" _Where'd you go?" he questioned over his magazine._

" _Hmm?" she startled as she was broken from her thoughts. "Sorry," she said with a sheepish smile._

" _It's okay," he replied with an amused grin. He lowered his reading material and scooted closer to his wife. "What's going on in that head of yours?"_

" _Just…stuff," Meredith answered, not really knowing where to begin._

" _Stuff?" he countered, teasingly. "That all?"_

" _Just…"_

_She sighed and closed her book, not really knowing how to start but knowing she needed to. She looked up at her husband who was giving her looks of encouragement._

" _I was just thinking about Zola."_

_At the sound of his daughter's name, Derek's smile visibly brightened._

" _Zola? What about her?"_

" _About what her name should be when we finally, officially adopt her. Not her first name," she clarified quickly, "but her last name."_

_Derek shifted his body to face her, sensing the conversation was taking a more serious turn than he previously expected._

" _Well, what did you have in mind?"_

" _I think she should be a Shepherd," she answered, almost shyly._

" _Really?"_

_He was, not so secretly, loving the idea and that served to calm some of her fears._

" _Mhmm," she confirmed with a smile of her own._

" _What about your last name? She's your daughter too," he suggested, wanting to make sure this was really what she wanted. It was an important decision after all._

" _We could hyphenate it even. Grey-Shepherd or Shepherd-Grey even."_

" _Derek," she started with a teasing glint in her eye. "Why would you do that to your daughter? Do you realize how horrible it would be to have to write all that out in school? She could get held back just because we forced this horribly long name on her and she couldn't remember how to spell all that!"_

_She chuckled before continuing, "If you really think Grey should be in her name, it still can be. She can just be Zola Grey Shepherd, no hyphen. Like serve as her middle name or something."_

_She paused and he could tell there was more she wanted to say. He remained silent and allowed her to collect her thoughts._

" _I wasn't just thinking about Zola's name," she started slowly. "I've also been thinking about mine."_

_There was a note of uncertainty in her voice but something kept her going._

" _I mean. It's not that getting married wasn't a reason enough. But we did our Post-It and then George died and Izzie had brain tumors and took off and I decided to give away half my liver. Then you got shot and I had miscarriage and we started trying to get pregnant and everything has just been so crazy that really changing my name never really occurred to me. And I don't want that to sound awful because after you proposed I did start thinking about it. But then all that other stuff I mentioned happened and it kind of got pushed back in my mind. But then we found Zola. And we went to city hall and started trying to adopt her and I started thinking about it again. And now that it's really happening," she finally paused her rambling. "I just want to give her a family. I want to be a family."_

_She still had this uncertain look etched in her features but she seemed to slowly gain a little more confidence in her words as she kept speaking._

" _You…you want to change your name to Shepherd?"_

_He had not seen this coming._

" _Yeah…" she said this like a question._

" _I mean, people already call me Mrs. Shepherd. And now that we're starting a family, everyone we see for Zola, like teachers or doctors, are just going to assume we have the same last name," she trailed off, still trying to gauge his thoughts on the matter._

" _And the baby!" she exclaimed. "He or she should be a Shepherd too."_

_She paused, more sure of her decision than she'd been all night._

" _We're finally getting our family, Derek," she said softly with her eyes shining with emotion. "And I just want to be a part of it."_

_Not being able to do anything else, Derek leaned across the small space between them and pulled her in for a loving kiss._

_After a few perfect moments, she pulled away and let her forehead rest against his. His hands were still softly caressing her cheeks and, even with her eyes closed, she could practically hear him smiling._

" _Mer," he whispered, "you'll always be my family. Grey or Shepherd, you will always be my family."_

_He peppered a few more kisses across her face before resuming his assault on her lips._

" _However," he chuckled, pulling back to give her a breathtaking smile. "I would be absolutely honored for you to take my name."_

_Meredith matched his smile with one of her own and snuggled into her husband's chest. Derek placed a kiss on the top of her head and lowered both of them further into the bed from their sitting positions against the headboard._

" _Does this mean I get to call you Mrs. Shepherd now?" He couldn't resist teasing her._

_She could hear the smile in his voice even if she couldn't see it._

" _That's Dr. Shepherd to you," she played along with feigned annoyance._

" _Besides," she continued. "I was leaning towards Grey-Shepherd. Having two Grey's at work is confusing so I know having two Shepherd's wouldn't be any better. At least this way there's some way to differentiate."_

_She angled her head to look at him. "What do you think?"_

" _I think that's a great idea."_

" _Me too," she whispered before closing her eyes to prepare for sleep._

" _Good night, Dr. Grey-Shepherd."_

" _Good night, Dr. Shepherd."_

* * *

The memory kept her smiling as Derek pulled away to gaze at her with a loving expression.

"How are you feeling now? Do you want to try eating something?"

She thought for a moment and when her stomach didn't react negatively to the thought of food, she replied, "Maybe some toast to start with. Just to be on the safe side."

"Very doable," he assured, grasping her hand and leading her back into the kitchen to prepare her breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone reading?


	10. Chapter 10

Meredith was perched on one of the stools surrounding the island in the kitchen when Derek placed a small plate of toast in front of her.

"Thank you," she offered with a small smile. She still didn't fully trust her stomach to accept the food.

Derek continued to putter around the kitchen before taking the stool across from his wife and slid over a steaming cup of tea next to her plate. The smell didn't immediately make her stomach churn so she brought her hands around the mug and enjoyed the warmth it was giving off.

She was just about to take a small sip until she got a whiff of what was in the matching mug in Derek's hands.

The mug she was holding slipped from her grasp before she could do anything about it and she was out of the room before the cup hit the tile. Thankfully the downstairs bathroom was close and unoccupied because Meredith's early morning ginger ale was coming back up whether she liked it or not.

Paying no mind to the new mess on the kitchen floor, Derek rushed out after his wife.

When he reached the bathroom, Meredith was already hunched over the toilet while her body emptied the contents of her stomach into the bowl. He sat down next to her and used one hand to hold her hair out of the way and the other to rub soothing circles along her lower back.

Having not consumed much in the last few hours, it didn't take long for her vomiting to turn into gag inducing dry heaves.

When the nausea began to subside, Meredith shifted to lean against her husband's shoulder. Her eyes were closed and a light sheen of sweat had formed across her forehead. It was stupid how exhausting throwing up was.

Derek reached up towards the counter above him to grab a small hand towel and then lightly dabbed her face. She didn't show any indication of wanting move from the floor anytime soon, so he continued rubbing her back and offering hushed words of comfort.

After a few minutes, Meredith shifted some of her weight off Derek in order to lift her head up to give him an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry," she whispered before lowering her head back to his shoulder.

"What could you possibly be sorry for?" he mumbled into the top of her head before placing a soft kiss into her hair.

"I think I broke your mother's mug."

"They make more."

"I'm disgusting and throw up all the time."

"You're pregnant," he shrugged. She lifted her head again to send him a "Really?" look and a raised eyebrow.

"And you are in no possible way disgusting," he amended quickly.

"Next time you might want to lead with that part," she muttered, collapsing back against him.

* * *

When they finally emerged from the bathroom, they walked back into the kitchen only to find Carolyn sweeping up the remains of what used to be Meredith's mug.

"Carolyn, I'm so sorry. Please let me clean it up," Meredith apologized, reaching for the dust pan.

"You will do no such thing. What you will do is sit back down and let your husband get you something to settle your stomach," she said while sending a pointed look to Derek.

"Really, I'm okay," Meredith insisted, still trying to help. Derek finally took her gently by the shoulders and led her to a seat. "Seriously," she whined.

"Seriously," Derek mimicked. "Sit. Do you want some ginger ale? Or I can warm up your tea?"

"Ginger ale, please," Meredith mumbled reluctantly.

Grinning at his adorably pouting wife, Derek kissed her forehead and then turned to the cabinets behind him to fulfill her wishes.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well, Meredith," Carolyn offered, slipping onto the stool beside her.

Derek placed the glass of soda in front of her and quickly took the offending coffee to the sink before her stomach decided it was time for round 2.

"Just a little nausea," she downplayed. "I guess traveling didn't agree with me."

"I suppose," Carolyn agreed, still eyeing the young woman with concern.

"Have you seen Amelia yet this morning?" Derek asked, changing the subject.

"Yes," Carolyn confirmed glumly. "After I got dressed, I went to check on her. I'm not sure she slept at all last night. She's curled up on her window seat in what I assume was one of Ryan's sweatshirts, just staring blankly out her window."

Derek's face morphed into that of pain and concern, perfectly mirroring his mother's.

"I asked her if she wanted food. She said 'No'. I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said 'No'. I asked her if she wanted anything. She said 'No'."

She shook her head sadly, choking back the lump taking residence in her throat. There was nothing that could compare to watching your child in pain. And not being able to do anything about it was the most helpless feeling in the world.

"I'm really not sure what to do here, Derek," Carolyn admitted. "Grief I can understand. I lost my love too soon so I understand that side of her pain perfectly. But she blames herself. She thinks she's the reason he's dead. I don't think she knows how to live with herself."

"It's kinda like Izzie…"

Two head whipped towards the source of the unexpected voice and stared at Meredith questioningly.

"It's just…I mean…" she stuttered nervously under their gazes. "Do you remember Denny? And the whole LVAD wire thing?"

"You mean the night Bailey's interns all went rouge?" Derek quipped only to be rewarded with a whack in the shoulder.

"I'm sorry, what? Who is this we're talking about?" Carolyn questioned.

"Denny was a heart patient around 5 years ago during our first year as interns. Izzie was the intern on his case when he first came in that year and they fell for each other. Denny had been on the waiting list for a new heart for a long time and it looked like it was going to happen but something came up that made the donor heart unusable. There was one other person ahead of Denny that was going to get another heart that happened to be getting harvested at the same hospital. When Izzie found out she, uhmm….went a little crazy? She knew in order for Denny to get the heart, he had to get worse. So she cut the wire to the machine pumping his heart. George, one of the other interns, was there when she cut the LVAD wire and called me and Cristina to come help. Long story short, Dr. Bailey caught us, Denny got the heart and proposed to Izzie, and we were forced to plan a prom for the chief's 17 year old niece as punishment."

"You planned a prom for punishment?"

"We weren't allowed near anything surgical because no one would give up Izzie as the one who cut the LVAD wire. I guess it was better than doing nothing. Plus it was his niece and what she wanted so…" Meredith trailed off with a shrug. "The only thing we weren't really looking forward to was the fact that we all were being forced to go. I actually think the chief made every surgical staff member go."

"Richard made you all go to a makeshift high school prom?" Carolyn chuckled. "How did it go?"

Meredith's eyes shifted nervously towards Derek only to see him doing the same. Adulterous sex wasn't something you particularly wanted to discuss with your mother/mother-in-law.

"It was great," Derek said quickly.

"It was fine," Meredith agreed with a nod.

"Fine?" he asked with a slightly hurt tone. "Fine? You thought it was just fine?"

"It was a prom for a 17 year old, Derek. Besides, you didn't plan it, why do you care?" inquired Carolyn suspiciously.

Realizing this wasn't the time or place to discuss that particular topic, he began his attempt to back track out of the hole of embarrassment he was digging himself.

"I just…think she should give herself more credit," he amended. "I think everybody had a good time," he concluded, his tone holding a slight suggestive purr.

Meredith swiftly kicked him under the table, trying not to blush.

"Not  _everyone_  has a good time that night. It was the night after Denny's transplant and he was recovering. Izzie went to go see him but when she got there he had passed away. He was prone to blood clots and they think a clot formed on one of his sutures and caused a stroke. When we all got there she was lying with his body and sobbing. We lived together at the time so we all went back to my house. She spent the entire night and all of the next day on the bathroom floor in her prom dress."

"She blamed herself for his death," Carolyn deduced sadly.

"Yes. Really there was nothing we could do for her. We all took turns lying next to her on the floor but I'm not sure there was anything else we could have done except let her know we were there for her. But she had to come to terms with it on her own before we could really help."

"So you think we should leave Amelia alone?"

"Actually, the opposite. We'd sit with Izzie and she didn't say much, but one of the times I went to check on her she talked about feeling like she didn't have anyone anymore now that Denny was dead. I think right now all we can do for Amelia is let her know she's not alone."

The table fell into silence as they each contemplated how to help the woman currently drowning in her sorrows upstairs.

"Are you two hungry?" Carolyn asked, breaking into mom mode. "I'm not sure if she'll want it, but I'm not about to just let Amelia waste away up there without at least offering her food."

"Whatever you want to cook, Mom. Do you want help?"

"No, no. You sit and relax. It's just eggs and bacon."

* * *

Meredith managed to keep down a couple eggs, so breakfast remained a quick and largely uneventful affair.

"Derek, why don't you take a plate up to your sister."

"Okay," he agreed and pushed himself away from the table.

"And please be nice," she called after her son. "No one needs you two fighting right now."

"Okay, Mom," he conceded with a groan. No matter how old he and his siblings got, at times their mother still managed to scold them like they were bickering 8 year olds. Of course, to be fair, sometimes they still did bicker like 8 year olds.

It wasn't until he reached the top landing of the stairs that he realized what might be walking into in the next few moments. The picture his mother painted, while not surprising considering the situation, wasn't something he was anxious to witness first hand.

He took a moment to mentally prepare himself before knocking lightly twice and pushing the bedroom door open.


	11. Chapter 11

"Amy?"

Derek cracked the door enough to see his sister huddled in the large window seat just as his mother described.

When she didn't show any indication that she wanted him to leave (or stay for that matter), Derek stepped into the dimly lit room.

"Amy?" he asked again softly. "I brought you some breakfast. You really should eat."

"Just go away, Derek."

Her tone wasn't harsh or accompanied by a hateful stare, but they stung all the same. Her voice was void of any emotion and she wouldn't face him. Opting instead to remain staring out her window that faced the back yard.

"Amy," he continued despite her resistance, "you can't just shut us all out."

He paused as he sat down next to her, placing the plate of food in between them.

"You reached out to Mom and I and I know I wasn't very receptive at first, but I'm here now and everyone downstairs wants to help you through this."

They sat for a moment in silence that made him think she hadn't even heard a word he'd said.

"How did I get here?" she asked out of the blue. Tears started forming at an alarming rate before spilling over onto her tired face.

"I was happy. I was in love. I had everything I ever wanted. I had a future worth living for. And then one morning I wake up and all that was taken from me. I went from everything to nothing in the time it took me to realize my fiancé, who was perfectly healthy and breathing when I went to bed, wouldn't wake up."

Her breath hitched in her throat as she continued to talk through her tears.

"It was my fault," she choked out with a sob. "It was my fault he died. We were going to get clean together and I suggested one last fucking hurrah. We were going to get clean so we could have that perfect future I never thought I'd have but seemed so possible when he talked about it. Now instead of a wedding and babies, I killed the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I killed my future. And now I'm alone."

At this precise moment, Derek could not recall feeling more helpless in his life. From the day he held her small, struggling body against his own while their father met his end, his life was dedicated to making sure his baby sister didn't know this type of sadness, this pain, this evil, even existed. He was supposed to protect and shelter her. Unfortunately, life had a nasty habit of getting in the way. The truth was, sometimes life was sad and painful and evil. And no matter how hard you try, these times were inevitable.

"Amy, you didn't force him to take the pills. He did it willingly on his own. It's not your fault he-"

"But it was my idea!" Amelia interrupted as she whipped her head towards her brother. "He wanted to just flush them! If I hadn't been a selfish fucking idiot, Ryan would still be alive and I wouldn't be feeling like I was constantly drowning! It  _is_  my fault!"

"Amy-"

"Just go!"

To emphasize her words, she turned back to her window, effectively closing the conversation and, once again, closing out the world.

"Amy, just let me-"

"Just get out, Derek," Amelia demanded, resuming her previous, lifeless tone.

Conceding to her wishes, Derek rose from the window seat, leaving the now cold eggs and bacon, before making his way out of the room and back down the stairs to where Meredith and his mother were anxiously awaiting his update.


	12. Chapter 12

_What are we going to do?_

It was all Derek could think as he trudged dejectedly back down the stairs. He had been hoping to be able to supply his mother with better news than he actually had to offer on the status if her youngest daughter. Well that obviously wasn't going to happen this morning.

Meredith and Carolyn were still seated in front of empty breakfast plates, chatting quietly when he re-entered to the kitchen.

Derek placed a gentle kiss on the crown of Meredith's head before collapsing in the chair beside her with a sorrowful look.

"She didn't want to talk to me. I left the food up there too but I can't guarantee she'll touch it."

"Did she say anything?" asked Carolyn, desperation lingering in her tone.

"She feels alone. And she blames herself for Ryan's death so she thinks she deserves it. I think it's going to take awhile before she's going to allow any of us to help her."

Carolyn sighed deeply and stared into her half empty mug. Her baby was hurting and there was nothing she could do about it.

Silence lingered over the table, no one really knowing what to say. Derek's hand absentmindedly rubbed tiny circles across the base of Meredith's neck, her mere presence offering more comfort to him than she would know.

The shill sound of a cell phone ringing pierced through the small kitchen causing the three inhabitants to jump in alarm.

Suddenly remembering she was still in her clothes from the day before (therefore still having her phone on her), Meredith rose quickly to fish her phone from her jean pocket.

"It's Janet," Meredith announced, slightly breathless.

"Hello?" she answered as she hastily made her way through the sliding glass door to the small patio connected to the house. No sense in Derek and Carolyn halting their conversation about Amelia on her account.

"Janet?" Carolyn questioned to Derek.

"Our social worker. The one in charge of Zola's case."

"Oh yes. I remember Meredith mentioning her now. And Zola is definitely yours? It's official?"

"Not technically official yet. Still some final paperwork to sign, which is probably what Janet is calling for actually. But for all intents and purposes, she is ours." It didn't matter what else was happening. The mention of Zola never failed to leave him grinning like an idiot.

"I'm proud of you, Derek. I've always thought you'd be a wonderful father. I'm so glad it's finally happening for you. Meredith, too."

"I just can't wait for her to be home."

"You better bring her for a visit as soon as you can," Carolyn warned with a sly smirk.

"Don't worry, we will. I know you'll just come see us yourself if you think we're taking too long anyway."

"Damn right I will. I need to spoil her just as I have every grandchild your sisters have given me."

"Don't worry, Mom," Derek chuckled. "We wouldn't dream of begrudging you that."

All laugher came to an abrupt halt as a shadow appeared in the doorway.

Amelia stood cautiously, lingering in the threshold that joined the hallway and the kitchen. She was still dressed in an enormous grey hoodie that swallowed her tiny frame and a pair of black leggings. Her stance reminded Derek of frightened animal, ready to bolt at the first sign of conflict.

"Amelia, darling?" Carolyn asked softly.

"I just wanted to sit outside for a while." Her tone was just as void of emotion as it was before. Her face gave nothing away either. Her eyes were flat, her face was pale, and her mouth was set in a thin line when she wasn't speaking.

"That's great, dear. Fresh air will do you good," praised Carolyn with as much optimism as she could muster.

Without as much as glance back towards her mother or brother, Amelia slowly walked out to the patio.

* * *

"So you'll supply the notary?" Meredith confirmed as she and Janet were wrapping up their phone call.

"And we'll be able to take her home with us right after?...Amazing. Great. Derek and I are really looking forward to this...Okay, yes. See you next Monday at 3:30...Thank you. Thank you so much, Janet...You too...Okay, bye."

After hanging up her call, Meredith leaned back in her lounge chair with a huge sigh of relief. Their baby would officially be theirs in a mere week's time. She decided to allow herself a few seconds to enjoy the moment before going inside to bring Derek up to speed as she heard the sliding door open and someone join her on the deck.

Assuming it was Derek checking up on her, she kept her eyes closed and stayed relaxed against the comfortable lounge chair.

"She'll be ours at 3:30, next Monday," she announced to who she assumed to be her husband.

"Who will be?"

The voice that answered her was distinctly sad, monotone, and clearly not her husband's. She immediately whipped her head to attention to face her mystery person.

"Amelia?" Meredith cringed at her inability to hide her surprise.

"I didn't know anyone was out here. I can go."

"No! Don't!" Meredith insisted as her sister-in law turned to leave the deck. "You really don't have to. I just came out here to take a phone call. I can go back inside if you wanted to be alone."

"It's a free country," Amelia stated plainly. "Just as long as you don't expect me to be good company or tell you all about my consuming heartache, you can do what you want," she finished, bitterness seeping into her otherwise flat tone. She hugged her knees into her chest after plopping herself down into the other lounge chair.

"We don't need to talk," Meredith concluded gently. Just the fact that Amelia was allowing someone to be around her was probably a good sign. Meredith knew from experience that the simple act of just having someone next to you can be comforting.

Making herself comfortable, Meredith stretched her legs out in front of her, flexing the strain out of her ankles.

"So who were you talking about?"

Meredith wasn't even sure Amelia had spoken. Her legs were still being hugged to her chest and her chin was resting on her knees. Her expression was vacant as she stared straight ahead at the expansive yard before them. But she did indeed speak. And Meredith wasn't about to ignore her.

"Derek and I are adopting," she said quickly. "A little girl. We've been trying to make it official for awhile now and there was a small time where we thought it wasn't going to happen but on Monday we get to sign the final papers and bring her home."

"What's her name?" Amelia asked, still not looking up.

"Zola. She an orphan brought over from Africa with Spina Bifida. We found her because Derek was the one to put in her shunt. We had been trying to have a baby for almost a year and weren't having any luck but then we met her and…I don't know. It felt right."

Amelia didn't ask any more questions and Meredith, not wanting to push conversation on her, didn't ask any of her own, allowing silence to fall between them once again.

"You don't have to talk to me, you know," Amelia finally spoke again. "You don't have to feel like you have to sit here and talk to Derek's messed up little sister out of some weird obligation."

"I don't feel obligated," Meredith assured sadly. "Plus, I'm the last person that would be allowed to judge anyone on being messed up."

"Pff, why?" Amelia scoffed. "You kill you fiancé too?"

"No, but neither did you."

Tears started to slowly leak out of the corners of Amelia's eyes as she still refused to look anywhere except straight out in front of her.

"Have you ever," Amelia let out with a small sob, "Have you ever just stopped and thought 'What's the point'?"

The tears were coming faster now.

"What the hell is the point of all of this when Dads get shot and fiancés die without any sort of warning? What the hell is the damn point?"

The scene in front of her was breaking Meredith's heart. The woman in the chair beside her was lost, confused, and broken. Three feelings Meredith knew all too well.

"What's the fucking point?" Amelia sobbed again.

"You can't think like that," Meredith said soothingly. "I know that when life is constantly handing you nothing but crap, it's so easy to want to give up. But believe me, I learned the hard way that that line of thinking is what's going to kill you. Not any amount of drinking or pills or bad choices. It's how easily you're willing to give up."

Amelia's sobbing worsened to the point where Meredith was concerned she'd start hyperventilating or pass out.

"I miss him," Amelia sobbed even harder. "All the time I miss him. I close my eyes, I see his face. I go to sleep and I dream of the future I almost had. I don't know what the hell to do anymore."

Meredith moved quickly over to Amelia's chair and sat next to her, placing a comforting hand on her knee.

Surprising both women, Amelia immediately leant into her touch seeking more comfort before ending up resting her head against Meredith's shoulder and allowing her to wrap her in her arms.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Derek anxiously drummed his finger tips against the warn countertop. Meredith had been gone far too long for his liking. A conversation to set up a simple meeting wasn't supposed to take this long.

Every worst case scenario was currently running through his head. What if they changed their minds? What if they found something they missed before that they didn't like? What if they really weren't getting their baby girl back?

'Even those conversations wouldn't have taken this long to complete _,'_  he thought worriedly as his mind immediately pictured Meredith sobbing on the patio from the second loss of Zola.

"I need to check on Meredith," he announced quickly, shooting out of his chair without bothering to wait for his mother to respond.

He slid open the glass door and was immediately met with the sound of heart wrenching sobs. Having heard the commotion too, Carolyn flew from her chair to inspect the situation with Derek.

When the two frantically stepped onto the patio, they were met with the last thing they ever expected.

Amelia was curled in a ball against Meredith, sobbing loudly on her shoulder. Her hands were gripping Meredith's back and shoulders like a life line while Meredith attempted to sooth the young woman.

Sensing the new company, Meredith looked towards the door, spotting the two shocked people to her left. She shrugged slightly and shook her head, answering their confused and questioning looks with an incredulous look of her own.

Carolyn immediately stepped forward, the initial shock of the situation wearing off, and indicated her intention to take Meredith's place consoling her daughter.

The two women slowly shifted Amelia into Carolyn's arms. If anything, the comforting, loving touch of her mother only seemed to spur on Amelia's tears. Her mother slowly started rocking them, whispering words of comfort, and rubbing her back as you would a small child.

Meredith quietly walked to Derek's side and wordlessly took his hand as she led them back into the kitchen to leave the mother and daughter be.

"What was that?" Derek asked with some urgency.

"I don't know," Meredith shrugged. "I was finishing up my call with Janet and when she came out I thought it was you. She asked who I was talking about when I said 'she would be ours in a week' so I told her about Zola. We sat for a while and then she just started talking. Then she started crying and I was scared she was going to start hyperventilating so I went over to sit next her and she just started sobbing more. I didn't know what else to do."

"Well what did she say?"

"She's defeated, Derek," Meredith confessed sadly. "She's defeated and lost and I know how that feels. We just need to be there for her when she's ready for someone to be there."

She hesitated a moment before continuing.

"It might also be a good idea for her to see someone professionally. When's she's ready, of course, and if she agrees."

"Really?" Derek asked with a hint of surprise.

"What? You don't think that'd help?"

"No, it's not that. I'm just surprised you're the one suggesting it. Last I heard from you, psych was crap," he teased with a grin.

"A girl can change," she defended with a slight upturn of her chin.

"Besides," she continued, "I know I had completely different issues to work through but it helped me a lot."

"You went to therapy?" His surprise was anything but contained. "How'd I miss this? When?"

"When you were with Rose," she answered simply.

Derek's features fell slightly at the mention of that point of their relationship.

"I told you I was trying, Derek. Did you think I got all whole and healed on my own?"

"I never thought about it I guess," he admitted quietly. And he really hadn't. When he stepped out into the clearing where their future house lay mapped out in candles, all he could think about was the fact that Meredith was here, talking about the room where there kids could play and how they could be extraordinary together. The rest he didn't question.

"I wanted to be able to have all this with you. I never not wanted it. I just didn't know how. Dr. Wyatt helped me work through some stuff so I could let myself be happy."

Derek still wasn't over the fact that his wife had just confessed to going to therapy.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I don't know. I never meant to keep it from you. But it also didn't feel like something I could just blurt out over dinner. And then eventually it just became something so far in the past that I just never thought about it anymore."

She looked at him hesitantly. "Are you mad?"

"No," he answered softly, walking around the island towards her. "No, I'm not mad."

He kissed her cheek before pulling her close. She responded by wrapping her own arms around his torso tightly, eager to be in his arms.

"I'm very thankful for the help you received, actually. I could never be mad about something that made it so we could be right where we are now."

The couple stood entwined for a few moments longer, just enjoying the company of the other. Meredith finally started to pull away but did not totally leave his arms until after reaching up to plant a kiss on her husband's lips.

"I need to shower," she announced. "I still feel grimy from being on the plane for so long yesterday."

Derek nodded in response and followed her with his eyes as she left the kitchen.

* * *

His mother and sister had yet to return from outside when he heard the shower turn off from upstairs and realized Meredith never told him what Janet was calling for.

Anxious for an answer, he made his way back towards his old bedroom where Meredith was changing.

As he approached, his wife's voice sounded from behind the barely cracked door, indicating that she was on the phone again. Torn between giving her privacy and his curiosity, Derek waited next to the door and listened.

"Yeah, we should be back to work by this coming Friday...Yes, you can tell Cristina," she said with a chuckle.

'Owen must have called,' he concluded in his head. Derek peered in through the crack the slightly open door as providing and watched as she stood in front of her suitcase, phone balancing between her shoulder and her ear, as she rummaged for clean clothes.

"Oh!" she suddenly remembered. "I know this is going to seem like a lot but we'll need to leave early on Monday. We're scheduled to sign the final adoption papers and pick up Zola at 3:30 next Monday...I'll have to talk with Derek, but if daycare would be able to take her until our shifts end we'd be able to come back in but if not one or both of us would need the rest of the day off...Yeah, okay. Thank you. We really appreciate it, Owen."

'Well that answers that,' he thought again with a smile. His baby girl would be home not long after they would be.

"Uhmm…sure, I can talk a little longer. Can you just hold on for one second?"

He must have said yes because Meredith took the phone from her ear and hit a button before setting the phone down, face up on her suit case.

"Can you hear me?" she questioned.

"Loud and clear," came Owen Hunt's deep voice through the speaker.

"Great," Meredith concluded, happy that this extra conversation wouldn't cut in to her getting ready. She was bursting to get downstairs and share the news about Zola with Derek.

"I just needed to talk to you about your specialty."

Meredith froze momentarily, obviously not liking this conversation already.

"You're my only 5th year resident who hasn't declared a specialty yet."

"I know," Meredith replied hastily, pulling a sweater over her head. "But, I mean, it's a really big decision and I've been thinking about it."

"You ditched Neuro, you wasted time in OB…You're the only 5th year who doesn't know where they're going."

Meredith sank into the bed in a defeated fashion next to her suitcase.

"You're drowning, Grey," Owen concluded.

Meredith visibly cringed at his word choice. "Drowning is a strong word…"

"Why not General? You've been helping Bailey a lot lately, Webber's always been a mentor, and, not to mention, your mother was one of the best General surgeons this country has ever seen."

Her grimace only became more pronounced at the mention of her mother.

In her search for a specialty these past couple weeks, people had been telling her what she should specialize in, most people opting to put their vote in for General.

No one really seemed to get that their very reasons why she  _should_  pick General surgery were all the reasons why she  _didn't_  want to. Her mother's medical legacy be damned, Ellis Grey was the last person Meredith wanted to be like.

If she had her mother's talent: amazing. As far as she was concerned, she could go be talented in a specialty where her mother's ghost wouldn't be constantly haunting her.

"With that legacy, you could be a natural."

Meredith leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

"I'm just saying, think about it. I'm going to need an answer soon."

"Of course. I'm sorry it's taking me this long."

"It's okay. You were right when you said it's a big decision. Can you at least tell me you'll use part of this time off to think about it?"

"Yes, I promise," she replied quickly.

"Thank you, Meredith. You and Derek take care."

"We will, bye."

And with that the line went dead. Meredith picked up the phone next the her and closed it, staring at the small device in her hands, wishing it had all the answers.

'Crap,' Derek thought. He knew Meredith had been having a hard time finding a service to be on since she took herself off of his. She never talked about it, but they never seemed to talk about anything have to do with work these days.

The truth was, he missed her. He hadn't realized how good he had it with Meredith until she was gone. And he hadn't realized how much he'd miss her professionally until recently. And a slip in the OR a couple of weeks ago made him recognize exactly how much his missed working with her.

* * *

' _Shit.'_

_Their patient was crashing and, at that precise moment, Derek had no idea what to do to make that stop._

" _Dr. Shepherd, what do we do?" said the frantic voice next to him, effectively ripping him from his brief panicked daze._

" _Suction."_

" _Dr. Shepherd…"_

" _Blunt tip needle, please."_

" _Derek, I-"_

" _Dr. Grey," he said forcefully. "Instead of questioning my judgment, I suggest you do as I say, when I say it. Or you can kindly leave my OR."_

_When the woman remained standing next to him, he wasted little time in continuing to save their fading patient._

" _Okay, good. Hold this."_

" _I get the needle?" her voice shook with surprise and shock._

" _If I stop what I'm doing, he'll die. So yes, Dr. Grey, you get the needle."_

" _But I'm just going in blind," she panicked. "What if I miss the tumor?"_

" _I'm right here to help you. And at this point we don't have choice."_

_With a shaking hand, she took the long needle being offered from the scrub nurse and stepped closer to the patient's exposed brain._

_After 30 terrifyingly nerve wracking seconds, Derek verbally helped guide the needle out of the stabilizing patient._

" _It worked," she sighed, breathless with relief. "It worked!" she laughed again, the high of their save catching up with her._

" _That was great," Derek praised. "That was perfect, Meredith."_

" _What? Derek, are you okay?" Lexie asked, more confused than ever._

_And, just like that, the illusion was shattered._

_The dark brown hair sticking out of her scrub cap was supposed to lighter. The deep brown eyes peering over her surgical mask were supposed to bright green and sparkling with the same excitement he remembered from their very first save together._

_The woman next to him was supposed to be Meredith._

" _Derek….You know I'm Lexie, right? Your sister-in-law? I'm not Meredith."_

" _I'm sorry, I'm fine. Just a slip. Will you close?"_

_Without waiting for an answer, Derek set down his instruments and swiftly left, leaving Lexie and every other person in the OR staring on with varying looks of confusion and concern._

* * *

"Derek?"

He'd been discovered.

Confused, green eyes peered at him from the bed as he finally stepped into the room.

"What were you doing hiding behind the door?"

"Sorry." He took the suitcase occupying the space on the bed next to Meredith and moved it to the floor and took a seat in its place. "I was coming up to see you but then I heard you on the phone and didn't want to interrupt.

"How much did you hear?" she asked with a suspicious look.

"A bit," he said vaguely.

She lifted her eyebrow slightly, indicating that his answer was significantly lacking.

"I heard you haven't declared your specialty yet," he trailed off.

"It's not a big deal," Meredith insisted. "I'll be fine."

"I've been meaning to talk to you about that actually."

"Why?" And she was genuinely confused. They never talked about anything remotely related to work anymore.

"I called Lexie by your name in the OR a couple weeks ago," he confessed out of the blue.

Meredith had no idea how to respond. To say the least, that was the last thing she expected him to say.

"The last few weeks, it's become all too easy for my mind to trick itself into thinking you were the one next to me in the OR. I mean, both of you are Dr. Grey and it's not like we can or should take our eyes off the open patient on the table."

Meredith still didn't really know what to say to all this. So she did the only thing she could think of: stare straight ahead and just let Derek keep talking.

"What I'm trying to say is I miss you," he finally admitted. "I miss talking to you about my day. I miss spending my day in the OR with you. I miss teaching you. I miss your capability, your excitement. I just miss you, Meredith."

"We agreed," she managed in a strangled whisper. "We agreed it had to be this way so we could stay together."

"I know," Derek persisted. "But-"

"I'm not going to pretend I've enjoyed floating around without a specialty or that I haven't missed you either. But I'd rather still have you and our family than the career I thought I'd have."

At her words, Derek wanted nothing more than to just kiss her right there. Unfortunately, reasoning kicked in and he decided that they should probably actually talk before the kissing started.

"Meredith, you'll always have me. I'm not going anywhere."

He reached up to push a stray lock of still damp hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek lovingly.

"We did need this professional break from each other. Or rather, I needed it. And as far as getting past the trial and moving towards forgiveness, I don't think I would have gotten there without it. But what I'm trying to say is that I want to try to go back to where we were before."

"So what exactly are you saying here, Derek? Because I've spent the last few months just trying to make you stop looking at me with pure and utter disdain and pretty much never talking about work seemed to be the only thing that helped."

"I know I've been difficult these past few mo-"

"No!" Meredith interrupted immediately. "It's my own fault. I get that. You don't need to explain or apologize or whatever."

"That doesn't mean you deserved everything I blamed you for. Messing with that trial may have screwed up a lot but not everything that went wrong since then has been your fault and that's how I was treating you."

She couldn't dispute what Derek had just confessed to so she opted for silence instead.

"What I'm trying to ask you, is that I want to know if you want to try working together again. Just one case. One simple consult just to try again. I want to try again."

He held her hand between them and studied her face with anticipation and longing while she gazed, lost in thought, at their entwined hands.

"You said you couldn't trust me, Derek. How can we work together well if you don't trust me?"

"I've had a lot of time to get perspective and move on. I know why you did it. And even if I don't agree with what you did, I understand it. I know you're sorry for how it hurt me." He emphasized his words with a gentle squeeze of her hand.

"I think working together is the next step in moving forward. Trust is earned. How are you supposed to try to regain it if I never give you the chance?" he reasoned.

Meredith remained silent for the next minute, thinking over her husband's words and running all sorts of scenarios through her head. All the while Derek patiently watched her, keeping her hand in his. He held his breath and waited for her to speak as she finally turned to look at him.

"It can't be like last time, like it was during my surgery. That wasn't good for anybody, least of all the patient. Until we can really get back to being a team, I'm not going in an OR with you," she stated definitively.

"But you'll work with me? Derek questioned urgently. "You'll try?"

"Of course, I will."

Derek finally let himself take her in his arms and kiss her like he'd been longing to since he sat down.


	14. Chapter 14

She was going to die.

That was all she could think of as Meredith heaved into the toilet for what felt like the thousandth time that morning.

She had no idea why her morning sickness had to be especially horrible this week but lo and behold, it was. At first, she blamed all the travel, but the last time she was on a plane was Friday and it was now Thursday. To say the least, it had been an exhausting week.

After Amelia's tearful confession, she had thankfully started opening up a little bit more. She kept to herself a lot, but she gradually started joining her family for most meals and seemed to prefer sitting outside over sitting in her dark room.

Unfortunately, Derek had yet to approach his sister again, despite Meredith's prodding. With three more days left in their visit, he had another thing coming if he thought she was just going to let it go.

Meredith's head was still pounding violently as she rested her forehead against the arm propping her up against the toilet. The dizziness had not subsided and, even though she was sure there was nothing left in her stomach, the nausea was still overwhelming.

After a few more minutes, she hauled her exhausted body to a standing position in front of the vanity. She twisted the faucet and let the cool water run over her hands for a moment before bring the water to her face, washing away the layer of grime left over from her morning sickness.

Once she finally started feeling clean again, she grabbed the bottle of mouthwash on the edge of the sink to rid her mouth of the rotten taste currently taking over her taste buds.

She was still leaning exhaustedly against the small counter, still afraid to venture too far from the toilet, when a gentle voice broke the silence of the bathroom.

"Morning sickness still bothering you?"

Startled by the intrusion, Meredith whipped around to face the door. An action she immediately regretted as her stomach heaved slightly. She gripped her stomach and clamped her mouth shut as she willed the nausea to subside.

"Oh, dear, I'm so sorry to startle you" Carolyn apologized, quickly closing the space between them to comfort her daughter-in-law.

"Just breathe, dear, it'll pass. Slow, deep breathes," she soothed, rubbing Meredith's shoulders with a mothering touch.

She closed her eyes and did as Carolyn instructed as the nausea thankfully faded. When she finally made eye contact with her mother-in-law all she could offer was a guilty looking smile.

"Uhmm…Thank you. I'm sorry about that."

"Nothing to be sorry for, Meredith. I know firsthand that this part could, by no means, be considered fun. Now, come with me. I've got saltines in the kitchen."

"Oh, I really don't feel that hungry" Meredith replied, looking a little green at the thought of food.

"I'm sure you don't," Carolyn agreed with a sympathetic smile, "But I promise these will help."

Meredith, too exhausted to protest, allowed Carolyn to lead her out of the bathroom and into the kitchen downstairs. She took a seat as Carolyn grabbed a big box of saltines out of the cabinet and placed it in front of Meredith as she took the seat beside her.

"Go on," she encouraged, nudging the crackers towards an apprehensive looking Meredith.

"So, uhmmm, did Derek tell you?" Meredith asked, taking a tiny nibble of the corner of the saltine.

"No," Carolyn chuckled. "He didn't have to. This is a very old house with very thin walls. I've heard you getting sick every morning for the past week."

"Oh God," Meredith groaned, burying her face in her hand in embarrassment.

"Meredith, don't be embarrassed! It happens to the best of us. When I was pregnant with Kathleen, it was horrible. I couldn't start my day without vomiting for a month and a half. Luckily the severity of the morning sickness declined with every pregnancy. Amelia was wonderful," Carolyn remembered fondly. "Nausea, sometimes intense, but no throwing up."

Meredith managed a small smile through her chewing. She could get used to this whole 'having a supportive mother' thing.

"I'm sure you'll be past it soon. Are the saltines helping?"

"They are actually. Thank you. I'll definitely have to remember this," said Meredith, reaching for another cracker. "It really hasn't been this bad, but I guess the traveling just isn't sitting well with me."

"You'll probably feel better once you get home," Carolyn nodded.

The women sat together in silence while Meredith mauled over something to say. There were so many things she wanted to ask but she wasn't used to this. She also felt a little guilty that Derek hadn't been able to surprise his mother with the news. They had decided to announce the pregnancy when the rest of Derek's sisters arrived at the end of their stay.

'Damn loud vomiting,' Meredith thought bitterly.

"Do you mind me asking how far along you are?" Carolyn hedged, breaking Meredith from her internal scolding. "We don't have to talk about it if you're not comfortable," she continued, sensing Meredith's apprehension.

"Oh, no, I don't mind," Meredith insisted. "I just feel a little bad. Derek wanted to tell you at the end of the week. I'm almost 12 weeks along so he wanted to tell you in person before we left."

"I have five children and fourteen, excuse me, fifteen now," Carolyn corrected herself, "grandchildren, and my son really thought he could hide this from me for a whole week?" Carolyn laughed to herself. "Don't feel bad, Meredith. Even without my hearing you in the morning, I had my suspicions."

Meredith just nodded. She may still feel a little guilty, but she knew deep down that Derek would still be over the moon that he could share the news with his family.

Carolyn reached out to take her daughter-in-laws hand. "I want you to know that if you even need advice or have questions that you can always call me. This may be your second child, but it's your first pregnancy. And I know it's all going to be scary and new, but I'm here," she said with a warm smile.

The fleeting cringe that flickered across Meredith's face did not go unnoticed by the older woman. She decided against pushing and let Meredith work out the thoughts in her head.

"It's…not exactly my first pregnancy," Meredith confessed quietly.

Cocking her head in question, Carolyn waited for her to continue.

"It was about a year ago. We weren't trying. It was a huge surprise. But I was really excited and couldn't wait to tell Derek. But the morning I found out was also the day of the shooting." Meredith tightened her lips together, fighting against the onslaught of emotions that accompanied remembering that awful day.

"I watched as a mad gunman shot my husband. I had to stand over him and try to stop him from bleeding out long enough to get him to the OR. And then, in the middle of his surgery, the shooter came back."

She more than had Carolyn's attention at this point. During her brief visit to see her highly drugged and recovering son, she had heard what had happened on the catwalk and of her daughter-in-law and her friend's heroic actions that made it possible for her son to still be breathing. However, this was a part of the story that very few had been privy to.

"Cristina made me sit on the scrub room floor while she operated, but when Dr. Hunt came in, I knew something was wrong. When I walked into the OR, Gary Clark had a gun to my best friend's head and was screaming at her to stop operating and eventually pointed it back at Derek. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't think I was at that point. But I told him to shoot me instead."

She paused, waiting for Carolyn's reaction. She knew this story made her sound crazy or suicidal or whatever. But few could understand what it felt like to watch the love of your life die in front of you. For those people who called her insane, she suggested they watch someone point a gun at  _their_ husband and see if they didn't do everything they could to save them; To trade places with them; To keep them from hurting.

Derek got it. Which was why when she finally confessed what had happened while he was under, she wasn't worried about him judging her or calling her crazy.

But, for the first time, she cared about how this story was perceived. She cared about what this woman thought of her.

Thankfully, where she expected judgment or apprehension, she saw only loving concern. She grasped Carolyn's hand harder and continued.

"It was enough to distract him for a minute and Owen went for him but Clark was faster. He shot Owen in the shoulder and he went down. Jackson, one of the other residents who was assisting Cristina, had an idea and disconnected Derek's leads to make it look like he was flat-lining so the shooter would leave. It was a good idea. But I didn't know about it. I really thought he was dying in front of me."

Tears were slowly escaping and splashing onto her cheeks at this point.

"I don't think I can accurately describe what I was feeling, but it was the worst moment of my life," she managed around the sob forming in her throat.

"Meredith, you don't have to keep talking if you don't want to," Carolyn whispered gently.

"No, I'm fine." Meredith cleared her throat. "I just don't talk about this a lot."

She took a deep breath and proceeded to finish her story.

"Clark left after he was satisfied that Derek was 'dead' and Jackson reconnected his leads. While they finished up with Derek, April and I took Owen to an exam room to get his shoulder stitched up. He was fine. It was just a through and through that missed anything major. But while we were examining him, I had a miscarriage. The stress of the day was just too much I think. I was only 5 weeks along."

"No one should ever have to go through that," Carolyn replied sadly.

"And it took so long to get pregnant again," Meredith admitted worriedly. "That's why we started the adoption with Zola. And apparently, my uterus is hostile," she added, resenting her doctor's words once more.

"I've been so worried about miscarrying again. But I was a lot further along than the first time when I found out and Derek was so excited."

The image of her husband's face the day they got the news popped into her head, causing a wide smile to worm its way across her face. Smiling was nice. Smiling felt good.

* * *

" _Meredith, I swear to God, you're a doctor."_

_Derek was not pleased to say the least._

_However, Meredith was in no mood to deal with him either. Her head was swimming and, for the second morning in a row, she was propped up against the cool porcelain tub after emptying her stomach into the nearby toilet._

_Also for the second morning in row, a concerned Derek was pacing agitatedly just outside the door to their en suite bathroom._

" _Derek," Meredith moaned as loudly as she could manage._

" _No, Meredith," he started firmly. "You were in an accident only 4 days ago. You're a doctor. You're a good doctor." He articulated every word to emphasize his point. "You sustained a head injury. You know that vomiting and dizziness are signs that something could be wrong."_

" _Derek," she moaned again. Honestly, did he have to be so loud right now?_

" _Meredith," he mimicked sternly._

_This was going nowhere._

" _Let me run the tests today."_

" _No."_

" _Meredith," he huffed exasperatedly. "You didn't let me run them yesterday and I let it go because you convinced me it was just something you ate. But it happened again and it's worse this morning. Why won't you let me help you?"_

" _Because I'm fine!"_

_In her frustration, she jerked her head up from its comfortable resting place against the tub to face Derek. It didn't take more than a second for her to regret her quick movement and before she could say anything more, she was once again reaching for the toilet lid._

_Derek's scowl softened slightly, morphing into concern. He knelt beside his wife and gathered her hair away from her face and ran his hand up and down her back._

_Once her stomach settled again, Meredith turned into Derek's chest this time instead of the side of the tub._

" _One test," he pleaded into her hair._

" _Derek, please."_

" _I'm worried about you. All I'm asking for is a neuro exam and a blood test. Twenty minutes of your morning and it'll make your husband feel so much better."_

_The second they stepped into the hospital, Derek practically dragged Meredith into an exam room. (And not for the fun things they usually did in exams rooms much to Meredith's dismay)._

_Once Derek was satisfied that she wasn't in any immediate neurologic danger, he drew a vile of her blood and sent it off to the lab._

_Now the couple was waiting patiently for the lab tech to come back with the report._

" _Results for M. Grey?" asked the man appearing in the window._

" _Thank you." Meredith stepped up to take the paper and quickly started scanning the results._

" _Derek…" she whispered, reading it over a third time._

' _No,' thought Derek. 'No. This isn't happening. Meredith can't be sick. She has to be okay. This isn't really happening.'_

" _Derek." Her eyes were wide and shining with forming tears. She was gripping the paper like a life line._

_Placing his hands on her shoulders, he looked straight into his wife's wide, frightened eyes. "Whatever it is, Mer, we'll be okay. We'll get through it together."_

_Wordlessly, Meredith pushed the paper towards Derek so he could see for himself. Taking the paper he immediately scanned over the blood results._

_Everything looked good so far. Levels were normal as far as he could see and bold 'negative's were stamped next to all the scary disease tests. His eyes traveled down the paper looking for the cause of Meredith's obvious distress._

_Finally spotting the daunting, bold 'positive' at the bottom of the page, he followed the dotted line over to the corresponding test._

' _Pregnancy Test'_

' _Pregnancy Test'_

' _Pregnancy Test'_

_Even after reading it three times, he still didn't quite believe it._

_Finally, he looked up at Meredith who was staring back expectantly. Tears were slipping down her face, but the small smile tugging at the edges of her mouth hinted they were happy tears._

_With a smile that took over his entire face and seemed to light up the entire hallway, Derek grabbed Meredith and folded her into tight hug._

_The two stood in the hallway, ignoring the confused looks and gossiping nurses, allowing this unexpected and wonderful surprise to sink in._

* * *

"I bet Derek is beside himself," Carolyn answered warmly, bringing Meredith back to the present.

"He is," Meredith smiled. "And don't get me wrong, I am too. Or, at least, I'm trying to be. I've wanted a family with Derek for a long time now and I'm finally getting it. But I've been terrified for the past three weeks because I don't know what I would do if I lost this baby now."

"Just be happy, Meredith. Let yourself be happy. It's all you can do at this point."

Just before Meredith could respond, another presence joined the women in the kitchen.


	15. Chapter 15

"Can I join the party?"

Amelia stood cautiously by the threshold of the kitchen. Meredith hadn't seen her in anything except that oversized hoodie and sweats all week. Her eyes were still clouded over and guarded, but she looked freshly showered and more refreshed than she could remember.

Meredith hastily wiped her face of any tears and offered her sister-in-law as reassuring a smile as she could manage at that moment.

"Jeez, Mom. What did you do to her? Derek wants to keep this wife, remember?" Amelia asked sarcastically, plopping herself down across the two other women.

"I'm fine. I'm sorry," Meredith answered quickly.

"Don't you dare apologize. What do you girls feel like for breakfast?" Carolyn squeezed her hand one more time before getting up and walking to the fridge. Despite the circumstances, she loved having some of her children back around the house.

"I don't care," Amelia sighed tiredly, leaning against the table on her elbows. "Where's Derek?"

"Probably still sleeping," Meredith responded. "I'm sure he'll be up soon though."

"Or I'm right behind you," came Derek's teasing voice from the door. She didn't have to turn around to know he was grinning ear to ear.

"What nice surprise," he continued, acknowledging Amelia's unexpected presence for breakfast. He slowly meandered into the room to place his hands on his wife's shoulders and plant a kiss on the top of her head.

"You slept in this morning," Carolyn observed.

"Not really. I was on the phone with Kathleen. She called to say that she, Nancy, and Liz should be here some time tonight depending on work and the kids schedules."

"Aww, shit. Really?"

"Amelia, language."

"Sorry, Mom."

Derek snickered at the exchanged and took the seat next to Meredith.

"Have you met any of them?" Amelia directed to Meredith.

"Just Nancy almost 5 years ago when she came to Seattle to see Derek. It was right after his and Addison's divorce was finalized."

Amelia snorted. "Bet that was barrel of fun. Exactly how horrible was she?"

"Oh, uhmmm," Meredith shifted uncomfortably. What was the nice way to say 'McBitchy'?

"We were really only just introduced. We didn't really talk…"

"She was less than welcoming," Derek added dryly.

"Nancy can be harsh, yes. But she was just being protective of you, Derek," Carolyn intervened. "Although, I'm sure she could have been more pleasant to you, Meredith. I'm her mother, but I know my daughter and she could stand to be less overbearing."

Amelia sighed heavily and rubbed her eyes.

"I was really hoping I'd have more time before the vultures started circling," she groaned.

"They're coming to see Meredith and me before we have to leave on Saturday," Derek chuckled, walking over to the coffee pot.

"Don't compare your sisters to vultures, Amelia," Carolyn reprimanded without missing a beat and flipping the pancakes.

"You're right. Descending wolves would have been a much better animal metaphor."

"Especially if we're talking about Nancy. You'll know for next time," winked Derek over his coffee mug.

"Amelia, what did I just say?"

"What? Derek was doing it too!"

Meredith couldn't help but laugh at the scene playing out before her. This was the family she wanted to be a part of. This was the family she  _was_ a part of.

And she'd never been happier.

* * *

After some delicious pancakes and more good natured scolding from Carolyn, the foursome cleared the table to get ready for the day.

"Derek, would you mind helping me get the table extensions down from the top of the closet? It's upstairs and we'll need them for tonight if the girls make it in time for dinner."

"Of course, Mom."

Just like that Amelia and Meredith were left alone at the table, nursing mugs of coffee and tea respectively.

"While we have a moment alone," Amelia started, "I just wanted to apologize for a few days ago. I really didn't mean to just unload on you like that."

"Oh, you don't have to do that," Meredith insisted. "Really, I understand. I mean, I guess I don't understand exactly. About how you feel, I mean. Cause you lost your fiancé and I couldn't even begin to describe to you how I would feel if I lost Derek, so I won't patronize you and tell you I understand how you feel. I just meant I understand as in I think you had more than understandable reactions considering the situation…And I'm rambling. I'm sorry."

"No, that's okay," Amelia replied with something close to a chuckle. "Mom's been walking on egg shells around me all week if anything serious gets brought up because she doesn't want to upset me. And Derek's not really trying to talk to me since I threw him out of my room. I'll take your rambling. At least you're being straight with me."

"I know we haven't really known each other for too long and we're not that close, but I want you to know that I don't mind if you want to come to me to talk or whatever. I've…had some pretty horrible crap happen to me in my life, so I get it if you need to vent or something."

Amelia nodded slowly without looking up from her coffee.

"I really appreciate that, Meredith," she said with tears forming behind her eyes.

"You know, I've never really felt like I fit in with this family all the time. I'm the baby so the age gap didn't help. Kathleen and I are sixteen years apart. Derek was five when I was born and was the only sibling I felt like I really had to look up to. I remember, when I was little, thinking that Derek was the greatest thing to walk the earth. We were close. But then after Dad died I don't think anyone really knew how to handle it. Not that I blame them. I mean, who expects to have to deal with that? But I think I pulled away from my family even more and eventually I got into to some pretty bad stuff. I OD-ed and technically died for 3 minutes and Derek had to save me. He never really forgave me for that until I came to visit Seattle. But I think I've pretty much blown any progress there with all this crap."

"He loves you," Meredith interjected. "And he's scared for you. Sometimes he doesn't know how to handle both of those feelings together. Believe me, I know. I've been on the receiving end of how he handles those feelings," she exhaled with a sympathetic look. "But he loves you. You're his sister."

"I know that. It just doesn't help that we're both equally stubborn," Amelia admitted with a roll of her eyes.

"Anyway, my point was that I just really appreciate your offer. It's especially hard not to feel alone right now."

"I know," Meredith whispered, suddenly reminded of Izzie laying in her prom dress on the bathroom floor.

"You're not alone, Amelia."

The two women shared an understanding smile just as Carolyn and Derek could be heard coming back down the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos make me happy!


	16. Chapter 16

If someone offered her a million dollars to sit still for 5 minutes, Meredith was positive she'd never see a dime of it.

Derek just got off the phone with Kathleen a few minutes ago and passed on the message that the three sisters should arrive soon; just in time for dinner. To say she was anxious was an understatement.

It wasn't that she didn't want to meet the rest of Derek's family. Honestly, she thought it was a little odd that they had been married for over a year and she hadn't met them yet. But still. It wasn't as if Nancy's visit had gone well.

As their arrival drew closer, Meredith was left alone in the living room to her own, overly neurotic thoughts. She could hear Carolyn moving pots and pans while she finished dinner and the light clinking of silverware coming from the dining room where Amelia was setting the table.

Meredith was so preoccupied that she didn't even notice Derek's presence until he seated himself closely next to her on the couch. She jumped slightly at the touch of his firm hand on her bouncing knee. Calming a short instant later, she offered her husband the most convincing smile she could manage.

"What's wrong?" he whispered into her ear. They were both resting back into the couch with Derek pressed closely against Meredith's side.

For a brief moment, she allowed her body to calm at his touch as his warm breath tickled her neck causing Meredith's eyes to fall closed. Derek started rubbing soothing circles on the inside of her knee with his thumb and her legs finally stilled.

"Nothing," she breathed.

"I don't believe you," Derek whispered again. Despite her closed eyes, she could hear the teasing grin in her husband's voice.

"That sounds like a personal problem," she teased back, still relaxing with her eyes closed.

He chuckled low in her ear and placed a firm kiss against her temple. When he pulled away, she finally turned her head to face him.

"I may be a little nervous," she confessed quietly.

"About meeting my sisters?" His voice was tinged with slight confusion.

"Of course about meeting your sisters, Derek. What else? It's not like Nancy likes me and who knows what she's told your other two sisters. I'm sure they've all heard about the slutty intern who ruined your marriage. I can't imagine that after hearing all about your dirty mistress they have the best opinion of me."

"First off, don't call yourself my dirty mistress. And Mer, I've told you. My marriage was over long before you ever came into the picture. Hell, it was even over before Addison slept with Mark. You are not to blame."

"Well, that's clearly not how Nancy saw it."

"Don't you worry about Nancy. And don't worry about Liz and Kathleen either. They know better than to believe a word that comes out of Nancy's mouth anyway."

Meredith shifted her eyes to her hands that were starting to fidget in her lap.

"Hey," Derek interrupted her squirming hands by placing his lager one over hers. Cocking his head to the side, he tried to get her to meet his eyes.

"No one is going to make you feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. I won't let them. They may not have met you, but they have heard my opinion of you and I promise it was glowing," Derek offered with a flirty smile.

Looking into his eyes, it was impossible for Meredith to not want to believe him. And the way they crinkled at the corners when he smiled at her, never failed to make Meredith melt.

"You'll be okay," he concluded before leaning in to peck a quick kiss at the corner of her mouth.

She nodded slowly, maintaining eye contact with the captivating blue eyes across from her.

"I'll be okay." Meredith let the words out with a sigh. And she really almost believed them.

"About the baby," Meredith began cautiously, "I mean, we're leaving on Saturday so that really only leaves tonight and tomorrow to tell them about him…or her," Meredith added on with a smirk. "When did you want to tell them?"

"You're okay with telling everyone?" Derek honestly wasn't counting on Meredith coming around on telling his family while they were here. He knew miscarrying again still weighed heavily on her mind.

"You should get to tell them in person," Meredith nodded. "I feel like I should tell you something though," she said with a guilty expression. "Your mom already knows."

"What? How?"

Thankfully he seemed more confused than upset which helped to put her more at ease.

"She told me this morning that she's heard me getting sick every morning since we got here and it wasn't too hard to put together. I'm sorry you didn't get to tell her, Derek."

Meredith's face twisted in pain as the guilt started to sink in again. And for some reason she couldn't explain, she could feel tears begin to prick at the back of her eyes.

At the sight of his wife's eyes begin to cloud over with tears, Derek immediately set out to right whatever suddenly seemed to be causing her pain.

Sitting up straighter to better face her, he took Meredith's head in his hands and wiped a stray tear away with his thumb.

"Meredith, what's wrong?"

Sniffing to try to control the sudden onslaught of emotions, she tried her hardest to form an answer to his question. Unfortunately, as soon as she attempted to speak, a sob bubbled out instead.

"Mer," Derek sighed, folding her small frame against his chest. Meredith tucking her face into the crook of his neck, Meredith quietly sobbed. Letting go of every irrational emotion that was trying to escape.

Her sob slowly morphed into sporadic gasps which eventually calmed into the occasional sniffle. All the while Derek just held her, whispering the occasional 'It's okay' or 'I love you' into her hair.

Eventually, Meredith pulled away from Derek's shoulder. "I'm sorry," she sniffed again.

"It's okay," he answered sympathetically. "What was that all about?"

"I don't know," she shook her head with a strange combination of a groan and a giggle. "Damn hormones," she cursed, wiping the wetness off of her cheek with the back of her hand.

Derek merely sat patiently beside her, allowing her time to compose herself.

"Uhg," she groaned. "Think you can handle this for the next six months?" Meredith asked, only half joking. Her eyes were bloodshot, her nose was red, and her face was flushed from crying, but for the life of him, he couldn't think of a time she looked more beautiful to him.

"Oh yeah," he smiled, pulling her in for another hug and reclining them both against the couch. "I think I can handle this."

He held her for a moment longer before shifting in order to see her face. "Mer, I don't care if my mom already knows. And even if I did, it's not like I could be mad at you for it. It's not your fault your morning sickness has been especially bad this week and that my mother is ridiculously intuitive. You know I'm not upset, right?"

"I do," she mumbled in response. "I honestly have no idea where that came from."

"You were probably right when you blamed the hormones," he snickered.

"Hey, you don't get to laugh at me. It's your fault I'm like this."

"My fault?" he questioned in mock offense. "I don't seem to recall you being an unwilling participant in creating the reason for you hormones."

"Yeah well that's your fault too. Try being resistible for once in your life."

"Yes, dear," he resigned, sensing this was one argument he wasn't going to win.

The doorbell rang suddenly, causing Meredith to jump from her place in Derek's arms.

"DEREK!" Amelia called loudly from the dining room. "THE WOLVES ARE HERE!"

"Amelia!" their mother scolded from her spot in the kitchen.

"Shall we greet the wolves?" Derek asked.

"Well when you put it that way," Meredith trailed off sarcastically. Nevertheless, the two rose from the couch to get the door.


	17. Chapter 17

"Did I just hear Amelia refer to us as wolves?"

"And hello to you too," Derek greeted the three women in front of him.

Meredith stood semi-awkwardly behind her husband, looking over his shoulder at her three sisters-in-law. If she had to guess, the one that had just spoken looked to be the oldest, making her Kathleen. She had neat shoulder length hair that was the same shiny black color as Derek's. Her eyes were a warm brown color that she had clearly inherited from her mother.

The woman next to her was smiling playfully at Derek with sparkling blue eyes. Just like her other siblings, she was also blessed with the same fabulously black hair that was currently pin straight and flowing down her back. By elimination, Meredith figured that this must be Liz. All three sisters were dressed simply but in obviously high class clothing. And their choice of clothing wasn't the only thing that was stunning about them.

What the hell was in that Shepherd gene?

Finally, her eyes settled on the one familiar face in the bunch.

Familier? Yes.

Friendly? No.

While the other two were beaming at the sight of their little brother, Nancy was eyeing Meredith with a mixture of suspicion and contempt.

Oh goody.

"Oh hush, Derek, and let us in! Did you have to bring the rain with you?" Liz scolded as the sisters pushed into the house with their overnight bags.

"Hey, we got here a week ago and it just started raining today. You can't blame me for the unfortunate weather."

"I'm your older sister. I can blame you for whatever I like," Liz teased back with a good natured smile as she reached out to embrace her brother.

She had calming spirit to her and Meredith decided she could easily like the woman.

"My turn!" Kathleen declared, almost pushing Liz out of the way. "I can't believe I haven't seen you in almost five years! That's five years too long, Derek. You need to visit more."

"You know they have planes that go both ways, don't you?" Derek countered.

"Talk to me again after you try traveling with six kids," she replied with a challenging look.

Derek gave a chuckle and then shifted his attention to his remaining sister. "Nancy," he acknowledged with smile, reaching for a hug.

"Hi, baby brother," she replied with a matching smile. Now that her attention was on Derek, Meredith noticed her eyes seemed to soften slightly. She was just glad the glaring had stopped.

But Nancy's silent "greeting" to Meredith didn't go unnoticed by Derek.

"So much as utter the words 'slutty' or 'intern' and Meredith and I are leaving early," he warned quietly as he pulled his sister in for a hug.

He felt her stiffen slightly at the threat but otherwise made no other indication that anything was said.

"Okay," Derek began, beaming ear to ear as he walked over to stand by Meredith. "Mer, this is my oldest sister, Kathleen, the second oldest, Liz, and Nancy you met a few years ago. Everyone, this is my wife, Meredith." He wrapped his arm proudly around her waist as he finished the introduction.

"Hi," Meredith said timidly. ' _Great, Mer. Real smooth_.  _Way to be articulate,_ ' she chided herself in her head.

"It's so great to finally meet you!" Kathleen exclaimed as she rushed to embrace her new sister-in-law. Taken aback at first, it took a moment for her to react but soon she was wrapping her arms around the older woman and returning the hug. With her bubbling excitement and persistent smile, Kathleen almost reminded Meredith of a slightly older version of Izzie. She decided she could see herself liking this sister as well.

"Kath, what is wrong with you? You're going to crush her. Calm down," Liz reprimanded as she walked up to hug Meredith as well.

"She's right though," Liz said with a smile. "We're all very excited to finally meet you. Derek's been gushing about you for forever so it's nice to finally put a face to the name."

"I'm really glad to finally meet you guys too," Meredith managed, at last finding her voice.

Nancy made no move towards Meredith and instead stayed put in her spot next to Kathleen. "Nice to see you again, Meredith," she said plainly in way of a greeting.

"You too," Meredith replied at a loss of what else to say. Derek eyed his sister carefully in response.

"Girls!" Carolyn called excitedly from the kitchen. She rounded the corner and into the front hallway as she dried her hands on a dish towel.

"Amelia and I just finished putting dinner on the table so I hope you're hungry," she informed the group as she hugged all her daughters hello.

"Smells great mom."

"Did you make pot roast? Oooh," Liz moaned excitedly, "my favorite!"

"Amelia hiding out in the dining room?" asked Kathleen as the group made their way towards the dinner table.

"I can hear you, ya know! And I'm not hiding! I'm waiting for you all to sit the hell down so I can finally eat!" Amelia called moodily from her seat.

"Awww," Liz cooed, mocking sweetness. "She's so happy to see her sisters."

Liz patted Amelia's head which caused her sister to immediately bat her hand away in annoyance. After chuckling at the rise she was able to get out of Amelia, Liz turned serious for a moment and gave her a quick hug and kiss on the top of the head before taking the seat next to her.

After everyone was seated, eating, and finished complimenting Carolyn on a delicious dinner, the table fell into silence. The only sounds being made were the clinking of silverware on china.

"So," Kathleen said, breaking the silence. "Meredith, Derek tells us you're in your 5th year of residency?"

"Yeah," she confirmed with a nervous smile.

"How's it going? You fly solo yet?"

"It's…fine," Meredith forced out. To be perfectly honest, her 5th year had been an ongoing mess from the very beginning. What with the trial, fighting with Derek, and all the stress with the adoption, she had only recently stopped feeling like she was constantly grasping at straws only to have them fall through her grasp in the end.

"And yeah, I did. I clipped an aneurysm by myself," she continued, poking at her food now rather than eating it. The sour memory seemed to have chased away her appetite.

"She was amazing," Derek murmured, sensing her sudden mood change. If their moment in the living room was any indication, he knew his wife was starting to feel the hormonal effects of her condition more lately, causing her to be more emotional than usual. Taking Meredith's hand, he gazed at her reassuringly until she finally looked away from her plate and met his eyes.

"She was perfect. I couldn't have done it better myself," he said proudly, still looking Meredith straight in the eye. He wasn't proud of his behavior that day. What should have been an amazing moment for the both her as doctor and him as her teacher, was now tainted with pain and regret. As Meredith stated that very night, there was no way they should have been in that OR together. But in the big picture, looking past the fighting, Meredith had been amazing. She was steady and sure of herself. So sure, in fact, that she didn't back down on her own intuition even when he was demanding she use another instrument. There wasn't a doubt in Derek's mind that Meredith was going to be an extraordinary surgeon.

"That's wonderful," beamed Carolyn. "Congratulations, Meredith."

"Thanks," she replied, pulling her gaze from Derek's to send her mother-in-law a small smile.

"So you're going into neurosurgery then?" asked Liz.

"Uhmm…" The awkwardness was coming back. "I had thought about it but I haven't fully decided on a specialty yet."

"Really? They haven't made you declare yet?" Amelia spoke up for the first time.

"I have to decide really soon. We'll see," she shrugged, trying to play off her uncomfortable feelings on the topic. She and Derek may be past their issues that came with her tampering with the trial, but the last thing she wanted was for his sisters to hear how she almost ruined their brother's life. "I'm really leaning towards neuro though, I think."

"I always knew I wanted to go into pediatrics," Liz threw into the conversation.

"You're a doctor?" Meredith asked, eager to steer the conversation far, far away from her.

"Liz is a pediatrician at a private practice in the city, Kathleen's a psychiatrist, and Nancy's an OB-GYN," Derek filled in for her.

"Wow, a whole family of doctors," she mused. "What are the chances of that?"

"None of us married doctors though, thank God," Liz added. "I don't know how we would have managed with the kids when one of us didn't have very flexible schedules in the beginning of our careers."

"Well Derek did. He married Addison," Nancy piped in, feigning nonchalance.

The clinking noticeably slowed which only added to emphasize the suddenly uncomfortable atmosphere created by the small statement.

"I, uhmm, I was just talking about trying to manage kids early on in residency," Liz offered with an apologetic smile towards Meredith. "It gets a lot easier later on. I would think that you and Derek would have no problem should you ever want to go down that road."

"Have you heard from Addison recently, Derek?" Nancy cut in again as if Liz hadn't even spoken.

"Nancy," Kathleen murmured with a low warning tone.

"What? He was married to her for 11 years. I can't ask if he's heard from the woman he spent more than a decade of his life with?"

"Nancy-"

"No," Derek cut in firmly. "We don't keep in touch. She came to Seattle when I pregnant co-worker needed help last year, we exchanged a greeting, and then she went back to L.A. We saw her briefly when we picked up Amelia, but 'hello' was about all our conversation consisted of."

Nancy was treading on thin ice with Derek and she knew it.

"I was just wondering. I just think it seems odd that you've totally cut her from your life."

"It's been four years. We're divorced, Nancy. That's generally what divorced people do. They move on from each other and live their separate lives. Which is what we are both happily doing." Meredith could see Derek's hand starting to clench his fork a little more tightly than normal.

"She was still our family, Derek. You can't blame us for missing her."

"Then call her! I don't care!" His voice was starting to elevate and so was his anger. "Just accept the fact that she's no longer a part of my life."

"And what exactly are you doing with your life, Derek? Because I swear I can't figure it out. You leave Addison for the starry eyed little intern you had an affair with and then none of us hear from you for almost two years. Thank God mom went to visit because otherwise we wouldn't have even known you were still alive! And after that, the next thing we know we're getting ridiculously last minute invitations to a wedding that none of us can attend because, go figure, we have lives we can't just up and leave like some people we know." Now the low blows were coming out. She was on a roll.

"Then we hear from mom that you didn't even go through with the wedding, but got 'married' on a Post-It note? Are you really even married yet? Is she even really your wife?"

Meredith didn't exactly appreciate Nancy's use of air quotes, to say the least.

"And then you just disappear again! You even got shot, Derek, and we still didn't hear from you. Are too busy playing house with your mistress to pick up the damn phone? Honestly, when is this little midlife crisis phase going to end?"

"He is my husband!" Meredith interjected firmly. "He's not some attending I'm using to get ahead and I'm not just some affair he had. He's the man I decided I want to spend the rest of my life with. The man I want children with. I'd give absolutely anything for him. If either of us were in this for anything less than a lifelong commitment, we would have never lasted this long. We have literally been through everything together and have somehow managed to come out the other side. He saved me from drowning in Elliot Bay. I stood in front of lunatic with a loaded gun for him. And yes, according to the state of Washington, we weren't legally married for the first year of our marriage. But what does it matter? We made vows, we agreed to them, we signed a piece of paper. From that moment on, as far as I was concerned, Derek was my husband and I was his wife. The only difference between what we did then and getting married at city hall was that there was a judge and a notary present."

She took a very brief moment to pause and take a deep breath before continuing, "I'm not asking you to like me or accept me as your family. But don't you dare ever question my feelings for Derek."

With that, Meredith pushed her chair from the table and walked briskly out of the dining room.


	18. Chapter 18

"Meredith!"

She could hear Derek's chair screech in protest against the hardwood floors as he rose to go after her.

She wanted to turn around. She wanted nothing more than to go back and burry herself deep in his arms and hide from the rest of the world. However, her pride wouldn't allow Nancy the satisfaction of seeing how much impact her words had actually had.

She believed every word she had said and knew that Nancy's words held no truth to them. But her hormones had been surging lately and sensible logic didn't stand a chance.

As pride won the battle over her desire for Derek's comfort, she choked back the knot rising in her throat and pushed forward.

She didn't allow the first tear to fall until her foot touched the top step of the staircase.

* * *

Just as Derek was about to follow Meredith up the stairs, something made him pause.

About a hundred different emotions were coursing through his system and each one was commanding his body to do something different. His first instinct was to run to Meredith.

After five years, he knew exactly what her face looked like when she was trying not to cry. And during the end of her outburst, he could clearly see her green eyes begin to tinge with redness and glass over with newly forming tears. There was no doubt in his mind that his wife was currently in their bedroom crying at that very moment.

He honestly hadn't been expecting her reaction. There was no question that it was warranted; Nancy needed to be put in her place and, all things considered, Meredith was a lot kinder than what Derek had in mind.

So while every nerve in his body was yearning to hold his wife, something else kept him rooted in place.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Where the hell do you get off talking to her that way?" he demanded, glaring intently at Nancy.

"She is my wife! She's the love of my life and you have no right to speak to her or about her that way. If you've got a problem with me, Nancy, then take it up with me. But don't you dare drag Meredith into your issues."

Derek was fuming and only getting angrier as he let out his frustrations.

"You want to know what I've been doing with my life? I'm being happy. I'm building a house; I'm building a family; I'm living my life with the woman that I love. And you know what? The phone works both ways, Nancy. You want to hear what's happening with me so badly, then  _you_ pick up the phone. Don't pin it all on me."

He took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself down a bit before he continued speaking.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get Meredith and we'll go find a hotel or something for the night. This doesn't have anything to do with the rest of you," he added, looking around at his mother and other sisters. "And we'll try to come visit again soon so we can have an actual visit. But I'm not going to force her to stay here and make her feel unwelcome. She doesn't deserve that. Especially right now."

Just as he turned to leave, he swiveled back towards the table a half a second later.

"Oh yeah," he chuckled bitterly. "We're having a baby. Meredith's pregnant. Thought you all would like to know."

With one last bitter glare towards his sister, Derek stormed out of the dining room and up the stairs to find his wife.

* * *

"Good going, Nance," Amelia quipped sarcastically. "First family dinner in eons and you manage to clear the table within the first ten minutes."

"I'm just trying to look out for Derek. He never acted this way with Addie," Nancy said indignantly, trying to justify her earlier actions.

"He also wasn't happy with Addie!" Kathleen exclaimed. "Not really. And especially not towards the end of their marriage. Have you even listened to him talk about Meredith? Even over the phone I could tell he has changed. And for the better! Whether it's because of Meredith or not, our brother is happy and you had no right to act like that. For God's sake, he's leaving now! For Liz and me, it's our first visit with him in five years and it's lasted all of twenty minutes."

"She's a good person," Amelia piped up. "She's the one that got Derek on a plane when I asked for him to come see me in L.A. And she's been the only one that's talked to me like an actual person instead of the little sad girl with the dead fiancé and a drug addiction. She makes Derek happy. Get your head out of your ass and let them be happy together," she finished, directing the last sentence at Nancy in particular.

After saying her piece, she picked up her plate and exited into the kitchen.

"When they come back down," Carolyn spoke in a low even tone, daring anyone to interrupt her in a way only a mother can pull off. "You are going to apologize and mean it. That girl has been nothing but kind since the moment she got here and I will not condone your behavior in my house. I raised you better than that."

With that, Carolyn rose with her plate as well and joined Amelia in the kitchen.

"Way to ruin dinner, Nance" Liz mumbled under her breath.

* * *

"Mer?"

Derek's voice was soft and gentle as he called her name from the threshold of his childhood bedroom. He peeked in the room through the small gap between the door and the wall.

"Meredith?" he asked again, pushing the door open further and stepping into the bedroom.

The scene before him broke his heart.

Meredith was curled up on her side, but still facing so he could clearly see the tear stains flowing down her flushed face. He could hear her sniffling and her breath catching occasionally as she attempted to calm herself down.

"Mer, honey," he sighed sadly, making his way to her side. There was no reason for her to have to be going through this right now. He genuinely hated Nancy in that moment.

Crouching down in front of her, Derek took his thumb to dry her cheek and stroke her hair lovingly.

"I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for the way Nancy behaved just now. She had no right to say any of that. But, Mer, nothing she said was true. You and I both know that we're doing fine. You said so yourself, we're in love and together and the rest doesn't matter."

She sniffed in response but made no move to speak. She only continued to gaze up at him with sad, bloodshot eyes.

"Meredith, talk to me," he whispered. "Tell me what you're thinking so I can help."

"I don't…" she choked out, holding back a sob. "I don't know…"

Despite her best efforts, Meredith couldn't hold back the flood gates any longer. At the first signs of her face beginning to crumble, Derek stood quickly and proceeded to gather Meredith into his arms as he joined her on the bed.

"Shhhhh," he soothed quietly, rocking her slowly back and forth. "You're okay. We're okay."

It took a few minutes and more whispers of comfort before Meredith managed to calm down again.

"I'm sorry," she hiccupped. "I'm hormonal and weepy and yell at your family members and I don't know what to do about it."

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about," he stated firmly. "I'm the one who's sorry. I honestly thought Nancy was going to behave herself tonight. I never would have knowingly put you in that position."

She nodded in understanding, but didn't know what else to say. The whole situation just seemed too overwhelming. For the moment, all she wanted to focus on was the feeling of her husband's strong arms around her and the sound of his heart beating beneath her ear.

"I'm so proud of you, you know," Derek murmured into her hair.

She reluctantly lifted her head from his chest. "Hmmm?"

"I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself; for us. You beat me to it, but I'll let it slide this time," he chuckled, kissing her quickly on her temple. "I gave her a piece of my mind after you were done anyway."

"I don't want to cause conflict between you and your family, Derek."

" _You_ are my family too, Meredith. And  _y_ _ou_  didn't do anything. Whatever issue Nancy has, is Nancy's problem. I warned her to play nice and she didn't. If you want to leave, we can. I don't want to make you stay if you feel uncomfortable."

"No, we don't have to do that," she replied immediately.

"I'm serious, Mer."

"I know. I am too."

"Meredith-"

"I'm done running. I meant everything I said. I know she's your sister, but I don't need her to like me. It would make everything a whole lot easier, granted, but I love the rest of your family, especially your mother. And most importantly, I love you. And you should get to spend the little time we have left here with your family."

His love for the woman in front of him overwhelmed him and threatened to burst within his chest. He gave into his emotions and the overpowering urge to kiss her and pulled Meredith as close as possible.

The moment their lips met, Meredith instantly relaxed.

This moment, this very moment, was worth all the other crappy ones. This moment made her forget crappy moments even existed. This moment, in her husband's arms, made her really believe that everything would be okay.


	19. Chapter 19

"Are you ready to go back down?"

Derek's breath tickled her face as she relaxed her forehead against his, recovering from their kiss. His arms were still clutching Meredith tightly to his body and, to be honest, she wasn't feeling too inclined to leave them.

"I suppose we have to, don't we?" she reluctantly whispered back, making no move to extract herself from the embrace.

"You have to move first," he sniggered with a teasing grin.

"You move," Meredith pouted back.

Laughing quietly at his wife, Derek slowly brought them both to their feet. He kissed her soundly one more time on her temple before taking a step back to look her over, still holding her hands between them.

Meredith's eyes were still red-rimmed and her cheeks were flushed but he was just happy the sadness had left her eyes. The redness would fade with time. Her shirt was a little wrinkled from curling up on the bed and then in his arms.

"You can go down first," she offered, staring at their joined hands. "I want to freshen up before I have to face everyone again."

"Take your time," he smiled comfortingly.

A little of the small amount of the mascara she was wearing had smudged and Derek raised his thumb to wipe it away before exiting the room.

Meredith stood where her husband left her for a moment longer after he shut the door behind him.

She really did need a moment to collect herself. She was sure that Derek wouldn't allow anything like what just happened to occur again, but she wasn't in a hurry to have to face everyone again either. It's not every day you yell at your sister-in-law in front of your husband's whole family.

Shaking herself from her internal fears, she grabbed her small bag of toiletries and headed across the hall to clean herself up before returning to the wolf den.

* * *

Derek trudged down the stairs, bypassing the dining room and heading straight for the kitchen. Carolyn was at the sink, washing dishes, while her four daughters busied themselves with other various cleaning activities.

"Oh, Derek," Carolyn exclaimed after noticing his entrance and rushing to his side. "How is Meredith? She's not too upset, is she? There is no excuse for the way Nancy behaved, but we all really don't want you two to leave early."

Derek's face darkened slightly. "Luckily Meredith is a far more forgiving person than I am. She's freshening up, but she'll be back down in a minute."

"So you're staying?" Kathleen asked hopefully from across the room.

"We're staying," he confirmed. "We'll stay until Sunday morning like we planned. But I swear if anything like that happens again," he paused and looked directly at Nancy, "there won't be a discussion. I will take Meredith, find a hotel, and you'll be lucky if I ever bring my family back here again."

"It won't," Liz spoke up. "Because Nancy is going to apologize when Meredith comes down and we're all going to have a nice visit in the living room while we enjoy each other's company." Her tone dared Nancy to say anything to the contrary. "Right, Nancy?"

"Right," was Nancy's tight response.

Derek didn't have a chance to get in a final warning before Meredith's footsteps could be heard as she descended the stairs.

Derek sent Nancy one last warning glance before turning to greet his wife with a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi," Meredith addressed the room with a hesitant smile.

"Meredith, sweetheart," Carolyn beamed. "Did you get enough to eat?"

"Oh, yes, it was very good. Thank you," Meredith smiled, grateful for the safe topic.

Across the kitchen, Amelia gave Nancy an inconspicuous kick in the shin and a not so subtle, stern glance.

"Meredith," Nancy suddenly exclaimed, prompted by Amelia's painful reminder. All eyes immediately settled on her, causing a slight blush to appear in her cheeks.

"Can I talk to you in the other room, please?" she finished in a quieter voice.

"Uhmmm…" Meredith hesitated. All things considered, she wasn't sure she wanted to venture anywhere without witnesses with this woman.

"You don't have to go anywhere, Meredith," Derek jumped in protectively, sensing her discomfort. "Whatever you want to say to Meredith, you can say in front of me."

"Calm down, Derek," Nancy said, rolling her eyes. "I just want to apologize with some privacy. She's free to share whatever she wants to when we're done."

"Would you like to go to the living room?" Meredith asked unexpectedly.

Derek turned his body to face his wife. "Mer," he whispered. "If you're not comfortable-"

"It's fine, Derek. She just wants to talk," she reasoned before turning back to Nancy. "So, the living room?"

"After you," her sister-in-law answered coolly.

With that, the women left the kitchen, leaving behind their five concerned looking family members.

* * *

For a good minute, the women merely stared at each other.

Meredith was perched on the edge of one of the overly plush armchairs and Nancy had chosen a seat the end of the couch closest to Meredith's chair.

"Do you have brothers or sisters?" Nancy blurted out suddenly, causing Meredith to jump in surprise.

"Uhh, sort of…I have a half-sister. Two actually but I've only met one of them a couple times. My parents divorced when I was five and my dad went and made a new family I didn't know existed until, like, five years ago. So, yes, I do, but I grew up an only child…If that makes sense…"

' _Oh good,'_  she thought.  _'Now I sound like a crazy person. Awesome.'_

Nancy simply nodded and returned to silence.

"He's my baby brother," she spoke again. "Ever since we were little, I've always felt like it was my responsibility to take care of him; to look out for him. If he was getting picked on at school, I was always there making sure that kid never went near him again. In some ways I know I acted like his mom, which I know got on his nerves a lot," she chuckled a little at a memory Meredith wasn't privy to.

"And that only increased after we lost Dad." Her features took on a grave nature at the mention of their father. "Not that he appreciated it any more than when he was seven. If anything, it pissed him off more but I worried about him a lot. He had Mark, which was good, but he didn't make a lot of friends and, I mean come on, he joined band. He was just asking to get beaten up."

Meredith chuckled at the joke, surprised Nancy was being so open with her.

"But like I said, he had Mark to protect him from stuff like that when I left for college. Anyway, my point. He may not have always liked having me act like a second mother, but it came from a good place. And it still does. I'll never not worry about him, Meredith. And I've been even more concerned ever since he and Addison split. I'm not blind; I knew they were having problems but all marriages go though rough patches. I never expected to get a call one morning telling me my brother's moved across the country to live in the woods. I know this is the Derek you know and love, but he's almost a completely different person now."

Nancy took a moment to pause to gather her thoughts. This was getting a little off track.

"He's happy," her voice softened. "I know he's happy. I can see it as clearly as anyone else can. I'm just trying to understand this new person who looks like my brother. And..." She took a deep breath before continuing. "And I went about that the wrong way. I was out of line and I'm sorry. I know it was wrong, but with my reasoning, you were the woman who got in the way of Derek and Addison reconciling after the Mark fiasco."

"It wasn't a 'fiasco', it was adultery," Meredith jumped in, not able to hold her tongue any longer. "I know Derek and I weren't completely innocent in that situation and not to sound like a 2nd grader, but Addison and Mark started it."

"I know that. But Addison seemed so sorry and we were so close while she was with Derek. I was biased, I admit it, but I honestly thought Derek would be better off if he made up with Addi. I thought maybe they could have a second chance to get back to the way they were. I was just trying to make sure Derek was happy. Like I said, I know I was wrong. And I do apologize for the things I said tonight."

Nancy stopped to make sure she had Meredith's full attention. "I don't want to lose my brother, Meredith. I don't want to be the reason he has to choose between the rest of us and you because I know we'll lose. I hope you can accept my apology and we can start over."

Throughout her speech, Meredith was awed by the amount of emotion Nancy had revealed. There was no doubt that this family meant the world to each other and she was struck again with the realization that she was actually a part of it now.

You do a lot for the people you love. You do anything for the people you love. It was feeling Meredith was familiar with so when Nancy presented her reasoning, it was hard for her to fault Derek's sister for trying to protect her brother. It may not excuse her words or behavior entirely, but she could at least understand where it had come from.

"I think I'd like that," Meredith agreed.

In that moment, they two women had come to a mutual understanding. Perhaps they would never be best friends, but no matter what, Derek had made them family.


	20. Chapter 20

Derek was anxious.

Actually, Derek was anxious 10 minutes ago. He was so past anxious at this point and it showed as he stalked around the kitchen like a caged lion.

"For the love of God, Derek, would just please be stationary for 2 minutes before you drive me insane," Amelia snapped as she finished drying the dish her mother had just handed her.

Derek huffed and reluctantly plopped himself in the nearest chair.

"It's not like Nancy's going to do anything. Besides," Liz chuckled, "my money would be on Meredith anyway. I bet she could take her."

Derek honestly couldn't tell if his sister was being serious and the teasing wink she sent him afterward didn't help anything either.

It wasn't that he was expecting Nancy to physically assault his wife or anything. But Nancy had an edge to her. If she wanted to cut someone down, she would do it and she'd make it sting.

More stress was the last thing Meredith needed right now.

It took everything in his power not to fly from his chair to her side when Meredith finally reappeared in the doorway from the living room. Instead, he calmly rose from his seat while silently sending her questioning looks. When she gave him a small smile and a subtle nod, Derek was finally able to let the strain of the evening start to fade off his shoulders.

"How are you girls?" Carolyn asked in a mothering tone.

"We're fine," Nancy replied offhandedly. "Right, Meredith?"

"Of course," she agreed, looking straight at her husband.

"Mom made peach cobbler for dessert," Kathleen piped up. "We could break into that and start really catching up. I for one would live to hear more about my new niece."

Meredith smiled at the mention of Zola and everyone else voiced their agreements as they made their way back to the dining room.

* * *

Surprisingly enough, conversation flowed easily the rest of the night. Children seemed to be a safe topic that just about everyone had a story to contribute to.

"Is Zola talking yet?" Kathleen asked, still chucking from the story Nancy just recalled featuring her youngest son, the living room walls, and big bowl of Spaghetti O's.

Meredith too was still recovering from laughter, but shook her head in response. "No, not yet. She's only ten months old. She babbles a lot though."

"We think she might be walking soon," Derek added proudly. "When we last had her she would try to pull herself up if she was by the coffee table."

Meredith laughed at the memory and launched into the story.

"My friend, Cristina, had come over and we were going to watch a movie and just relax," she began. "I brought snacks out to the coffee table and left Zola on her play mat while Cristina watched her so I could go back in and get our drinks. All of a sudden Cristina starts screaming at me get back in there. Of course, I immediately start thinking the worst and just about dropped the glasses I was holding. So I run in there trying to prepare myself for the worst and find Cristina filming Zola trying to pull herself up by the table to get a cookie. She fell a few times, but eventually she managed to stay up there long enough to grab a cookie before she plopped back down."

The table erupted in various giggles and 'awww's while Derek gazed at his glowing wife.

He remembered that night vividly but with bittersweet emotions.

* * *

_During the week they spent estranged after the trial, he only had time with Zola when Meredith would drop her off at the hospital daycare. He knew that was his own fault though. If he had been willing to spend more than 30 seconds in Meredith's presence, he knew she wouldn't begrudge him more time with his daughter at the house._

_He had just found an empty on-call room for the night and was about to try to catch a few hours of sleep when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Meredith's name blinked excitedly on the small LCD screen and he had to fight his immediate urge to ignore it._

_He opened the text to find a video attached and the caption '_ I know you still want nothing to do with me and you don't have to respond, but look what your daughter just did! :) _'._

_He was instantly intrigued at the mention of his daughter and soon Cristina Yang's voice filled the once quiet room as she yelled for Meredith._

_When Zola finally stood he was grinning so hard his cheeks were starting to hurt._

" _Zola! Look at you!" Meredith's voice sounded from off screen. "What a good girl!" she continued to praise as she entered the shot to scoop Zola up in her arms and cover her in kisses._

" _What do you have, Zo? Did you get the cookie?" Cristina asked in a voice Derek would have never imagined she was capable of._

_Meredith beamed at the baby and laughed as Zola extended her chubby, little arm to show the camera her drool covered treat._

_Still laughing, the on-screen Meredith looked up past the lens to address her friend. "Send me that video, Cristina. I have to show Derek!"_

_Right as the last syllable of his name escaped her lips, the frame froze and the video stopped._

_That overwhelming happiness he had been experiencing while watching the video was suddenly replaced by a tight, twisting feeling in his chest. His daughter stood for the first time. She stood._

_And he missed it._

_For ten straight minutes, all Derek did was stare at the freeze frame on his cell phone screen. Her bright, green eyes were even more captivating in her excitement and her smile radiated a degree of happiness that took his breath away._

_Fuck, he missed her._

_These were the things they were supposed to be experiencing together. Instead, because of his reluctance to deal with her right now, Meredith was sending him text messages that she didn't even expect him open._

_Instead of sleep, he hit replay and watched the three minute video until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore, mesmerized by the giggle of his daughter and his wife's infectious smile._

* * *

"Do you have any pictures of my new niece?" Liz questioned excitedly, bringing Derek back to the present.

Derek immediately whipped out his phone to locate a picture of his daughter before passing it to his sister to pass around the table.

"Awww! You guys, she's precious! Look at that little smile," she cooed and passed it on to Nancy.

"When do get to take her home for good?"

"Monday, actually," Meredith beamed.

"Thant's amazing, you two. Congratulations," Carolyn praised. "We'll have to plan a family trip to Seattle so we can meet her."

"That'd be great, right?" Derek turned to Meredith for confirmation. "Maybe after the house is finished."

"Yeah," Meredith yawned unexpectedly. Noticing his wife's tired features, he decided to excuse the two of them for bed.

"I know we'd both love to keep talking but I think it might be time for Mer and I to head up to bed."

"Of course," Carolyn agreed, also rising to clear the plates. "You two have good night. Don't worry about your dishes."

After bidding a good night to the rest of the family, Meredith and Derek trudged up the stairs for some much needed rest.

* * *

"I had a nice time with your sisters tonight," Meredith murmured in the darkness.

The two had quickly readied for bed and were now securely nestled against each other.

"I'm glad," he whispered into her hair before placing a firm kiss on the crown of her head.

"Der," she began with some apprehension. "We're leaving the day after tomorrow."

"We are" he confirmed with some confusion.

"Derek, I know you haven't really talked to Amelia yet. You've been avoiding it."

He had to force down the defensive side of him that wanted to lash out and mention that she of all people had no room to reprimand anyone about avoiding. Instead, he chose to release an exasperated sigh and stare straight ahead in front of him.

"She called you out here for a reason. She wants things to be okay with the two of you. Just talk to her."

"Meredith…"

"No, don't 'Meredith' me," she scolded, lifting her head from his shoulder. "If we leave here on Sunday and you don't give the both of you the chance to say what you need to say, you're going to regret it."

"I know you're right," he reluctantly admitted.

"Good," she smiled, kissing him on the cheek before settling back against his warm body.

"Do you know how much easier our lives would be if you just conceded to that right from the start every time?" she teased. "Think of all the fights we'd avoid."

"That may be true, but think of all that make-up sex we'd miss out on," he grinned, tightening his arms around her further and rolling on to his side to pepper light kisses along the column of her neck.

"Hmmmm," she sighed in complete contentment. "That  _would_  be a waste…"

"So does what happened right now technically count as a fight?"

His continued advancements were making it harder for the words to coherently form in her mind. "I don't know…You didn't exactly put up much of a fight."

"For argument's sake," he purred against her skin, "let's pretend I did."


	21. Chapter 21

Their last day in New York was spent in a lot better spirits than the night before.

The girls had seemed to have taken to Meredith better than Derek could have hoped. He never doubted that they would eventually love her as much as he did; he just didn't expect it to happen this quickly.

Meredith herself had surprised him even more. He had been fully prepared to not leave her side today, ready to jump in the moment one of his sisters made a stupid remark or upset her in any way. Except when his oldest sister grabbed her hand after breakfast, hauled her to a patio chair, and demanded to hear all about her new sister, Meredith simply smiled and chatted away like they were old friends

So there he was, sitting on the back deck watching as the girls all talked animatedly together and fawned over the new baby now growing in his wife.

He smiled as he watched Meredith relax against her chair and move her hand to lightly caress her stomach. He had noticed her doing that a lot over the past couple weeks and it never failed to make his heart swell with pride.

"So, do you want a boy or a girl?" Liz demanded, taking a sip of her iced tea.

"Oh, uhmm," Meredith stumbled, looking to Derek for help. "I don't care either way. I just want it to be healthy."

"Oh, pssssh. That's what you're supposed to say," Kathleen dismissed with a nonchalant wave of her hand. "But really. You have to have some sort of preference."

"No, really," Meredith giggled. "I never expected to be able to get pregnant after we tried for so long with no success. I'm honestly just happy the baby exists."

"Okay, fine, I'll give you that. Answer this then. What do you  _think_ you're having?"

Derek sat up straighter in his chair and waited for her answer. Out of the fourteen children between the three of his sisters, they had all been correct in guessing the genders of their babies before the ultrasound except for three of them. As far as he was concerned, mother's intuition seemed to be fairly accurate.

"I, uhmm, hadn't really thought of it," Meredith stammered, looking slightly uncomfortable for the first time that day.

He knew that was a lie.

In the beginning, they were both a little apprehensive about getting attached to the pregnancy after the initial shock of finding out wore off. But as each week went by and every doctor's appointment looked more and more promising, he couldn't help but start to picture their future with this baby. Sometimes, in his daydreams, they had a girl who looked just like her mother and played dress up with Zola in their playroom. She'd side with her sister all the time and beg her Daddy to have tea parties with and her stuffed animals. Other times, it was a boy. A perfect combination of his parents and loved to fish on the weekends with his Daddy. He'd tease his sister but would still be protective of her despite the fact that Zola would be older. After all, the age difference never stopped Derek when any of his sisters brought a new boyfriend home.

Meredith had been trying even harder than he had to distance herself, but he'd caught her on more than one occasion online looking up cribs and nursery decorating themes (for both girls and boys).

"Of course you have! We all have. Don't you just have that feeling one way or another?"

"Leave the poor girl alone," Carolyn scolded, coming out from the kitchen to refill everyone's glasses. "Sometimes you know and sometimes you don't. I knew Kathleen, Nancy, and Amelia were all going to be girls, but for Liz and Derek, I just couldn't get a feeling either way so don't feel bad, dear. You'll probably have a better idea once you're further along."

Carolyn finished pouring more drinks and took the seat next to Meredith before giving her a motherly pat on the arm. Meredith gave her mother-in-law a grateful look and waited for someone to change the subject.

Derek continued to stare at his wife as he tried to figure out if she really didn't have an inkling about the gender of their baby or if she was just getting overwhelmed from all the attention and felt too flustered to answer. Either seemed like a valid possibility.

"Let's just hope she doesn't pop out another mini Derek. I don't think this family could handle two of them," Nancy joked, trying to get a rise out of her brother.

It worked and Derek scowled at her in protest. "I'll have you know I was a very cute baby. Mom and Dad had to have me to make up for having you and all the disappointment that followed."

"Well excuse me, Mr. Big Shot. Then how do you explain Amelia?" Nancy shot back.

"Amy was an accident," Derek smirked into his glass.

He wasn't surprised when a throw pillow was immediately launched in the direction of his head. "Take it back, you dork!"

"Really, Amy, they had four kids already and I was five when you were born. You really don't think you might have been a surprise?"

"Children, hush," Carolyn intervened. "All of you are grown adults and respected doctors. Is there a reason you all insist on acting like seven year olds when you're all together? All of you were planned. All of you were loved. Stop bickering."

A chorus of mumbled "Yes, mom" and various other agreements came as a response and Meredith giggled quietly at the scene. All of her children were well over thirty, but she could still silence them all with a stern look.

"Derek was a very cute baby, Meredith," Carolyn started, turning to her one well behaved child. "Would you like to see pictures?"

Derek noticed how her eyes immediately lit up at the suggestion and she eagerly nodded her head. "I would love to," Meredith smiled and got up to follow Carolyn back into the house.

Kathleen, Liz, and Nancy all rose as well, trailing after the other two women.

"Show her the bathtub pictures!"

"Those are the cutest! I'm curious, Meredith, does he still have a bubble butt?"

"Show her the album with the pictures from when he took off all his clothes and painted himself with finger paint!"

"That was hilarious!"

"I would like her to not want to leave me after this trip, so if you could refrain from anything too incriminating it would be greatly appreciated," Derek hollered after the retreating mob of women.

He turned back to the deck and noticed Amelia had remained curled up on her chair. "You didn't want to help them humiliate me?"

"Nah," Amy shrugged. "I've seen all the Derek pictures. And it's not as much fun when I know I'm not going to be able to scare the girl off," she teased.

"Nope," Derek chuckled. "She's sticking around."

A silence fell between them and his wife's urging words from the night before popped into Derek's head. They had to leave early in the morning to go back to Seattle and his mother was probably going to be the only one willing to get up early enough to see them off. This would probably be the only opportunity they'd get to talk alone.

"I know you think I've been avoiding you," Derek began, deciding to just jump into it. "And maybe I have been. But that's not your fault. I just honestly don't know what to say to you."

"Well no one's forcing you to talk to your sister, Derek," Amelia said angrily.

"That's not what I meant," he back tracked, realizing how that must have sounded. "I want to talk to you, Amy. I want to help you. But I have no idea how. I see you in so much pain and I'm just at a loss for how to make it go away. You asked me last week, how I would feel if it were Meredith and I have no fucking clue. Because the thought of losing Meredith forever like that makes me physically sick. I honestly don't know how I would remember to keep breathing in and out if anything ever happened to her. So it kills me to know that you're having to deal with that type of pain and I can't do anything to fix it."

"I'm not asking you to fix me."

"I know you're not. But I'm your big brother. It's my job."

"It's not though. You can't fix me. The only thing that could fix me would be waking up and having the last couple months just be some cruel nightmare. But Ryan is dead. The only thing that can fix me is time. I just need to know that my brother is still going to love and forgive me when everything is said and done."

"I will," he promised. "And I do. The only reason I get angry is because you worry me. I told you before, you're loud and fearless and it scares the crap out of me."

"I'm not so loud and fearless anymore," Amy mumble bitterly.

"You are," he disagreed. "You're still you. Under all that…dark and twistiness…you're still the same amazing, strong woman you've always been. You'll find her again."

"Dark and twistiness?" Amy questioned with slight amusement.

"Yeah," Derek chuckled in response. "Something I learned from Meredith."

"She's good for you."

"She is. We're good for each other."

The two sat in serious silence for a moment before Derek spoke again. "I'm not going to hold any of this against you. I know I did the last time you used but we don't need to talk about that again. I just want you to know that you're always welcome to call or visit if you ever need to. I want you to."

"Thank you, Derek." Her eyes were beginning to moisten, but she refused to let them fall. She was tired of crying. "I have something for you."

She got up from her chair and moved to sit at the end of the long lounge chair her brother was occupying. From her jean pocket she pulled out a large watch Derek would have recognized anywhere.

"What are you doing with Dad's watch?"

"Mom let me have it. For some reason I had thought she had given it to you, but I saw it here while I was home from college and asked if she minded if I took it to keep."

Derek was at a loss for words as he gazed upon the watch he hadn't seen in years.

"I gave it to Ryan after he proposed, but you know how that all ended," she sniffed. "I don't want it anymore. It had nice memories of Dad but now all I think about when I see it is having to take it off Ryan's wrist before they took away his body."

Derek's initial instinct was to demand to know why a stranger was given his father's watch, but the rational part of his brain stepped in and reminded him that it wasn't important anymore. Instead he wordlessly took the watch from his sister's hand and rand his thumb along the worn leather of the wristband.

"He loved it because Mom gave it to him. I'm sure he'd want you to have it anyway."

"Thank you, Amy."

Without another word he wrapped a strong arm around his baby sister and gave her a light kiss on the top of her head. The two sat like that, silently mourning their losses until they were eventually called for dinner.

* * *

"Derek Christopher, I expect you to call me once you've landed so I know you both got home safely."

"Yes, Mom."

"And I want pictures of Zola. I need to put her up there with all my other grandbabies."

"Yes, Mom."

"And you have to call me with updates about the baby. I want to hear everything."

"Okay, Mom, we're going to miss our flight," Derek whined.

"Hush, Derek, you have three hours before the plane leaves and the airport is not that far away."

Carolyn released her son from a big hug and quickly turned to embrace Meredith as well.

"Will you make sure he actually does what I've asked?"

Meredith laughed at both the request and Derek's disgruntled expression.

"I will," she agreed, returning the hug.

"You call me any time. Don't worry about the time difference. I've had five of my own and been there through every one of my daughters' pregnancies and I'd be happy to help you in any way I can."

"Thank you, Carolyn. I really appreciate it."

"We have an ultrasound scheduled soon after we get back," Derek added. "We'll send a copy of that along with pictures of Zo."

"Good." Carolyn stepped forward to give them each another hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Now get going or you'll miss your flight," she winked at Derek.

The couple walked out to their awaiting rental car and climbed in.

"Are you sad we have to leave?" Meredith asked once they were on the road in route to the airport.

"A little," Derek admitted. "But I'm excited to get back home." A wide smile crept across his face. "We get to pick up Zola tomorrow."

Meredith was sporting a matching smile at the thought of being with her daughter again. "We do. I can't believe this is all really happening."

"I can't either," he agreed. They stopped for a red light and Derek reached over the center console to weave his fingers through hers. "But I can honestly say I can't wait to start this next part of our lives. There's no one I'd rather be sharing it with."

Everything about being a mother still scared her. When she thought about it, there were still some things that kept her up at night, fretting over hypothetical sceneries. But the love shining back at her through her husband's eyes was all she needed to reassure her.

Together, they would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


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